b3ta.com user callipygous
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I'm callipygous

My family crest has a nude, bald bear on it with a stunning member - it is of delicate girth along it's length 'till but one inch from the top, whence it becomes of tremendous proportions. Our motto is:
"1 inch of fury begats 7 inches of heaven."

My Hobbies (a discourse):

In these heady carefree days following the control of the foot 'n' mouth crisis and the cessation of the funeral pyres I am looking forward to renewing my countryside hobby (PIG [email protected]) with aplomb and lustful vigor.

I shall be creeping out this Friday night, anyone with a firm handshake and soft steady gait is welcome to join me....

I'm sure I don't have to stress how terribly trying it has been for all concerned with the porcine-onanism industry/past-time/religion, the smell of burning pigs tends to put the little fellows off.

This leads to frustration and sexual tension between you and your pig, you feel hurt and lonely - you no longer make the effort (mouthwash, cutting your nails, putting lipstick on the pig etc...) divorce is just around the corner but so is swift death-by-spade and the sweet promise of bacon.

But don't worry - during 'the quiet time' as it became known i took it upon myself to publish a small and perfectly discreet leaflet (un depliant in french) that tackles these issues, entitled:

Pig [email protected] - THE TRUTH.
(Le Frappe du Cochon - c'est vrai)

'Everything you didn't want to know about you and your pig.' - (M.Paris, writing in The Times.)

'I can do two at once...I call it the Harley Davidson' - (M.Molam writing in Farm-Hand, Firm-kock)

'Pour allez a la gare, s'il vous plait?' - (Gaspar writing in Allons )

Anyone experiencing pig-lonliness can contact me and i'll send them a free copy...I also have covered other topics, including;

1. Circumscribing your Horse - with diagrams.

2. Penguin Circumcision - childrens' version, carboard pages with pictures to colour in.

3. The dummies guide to INFIBULATION - Goats. A guide for the rest of us.....

4. Ass-ramming A Whale - covers ALL aspects including; choosing your whale, entry and re-entry, insurance, sex play.....plus a lengthy discussion on
whether a whale has an ass or not.
('A triumph, until now I've had to resort to dead seals and puffins to relieve my swollen concupiscence' - H.Melville)

I am interested in pigs and amputees, especially ones that smell of HOT TAR.

Favourite quotes:

1.I wondered lonely as a cloud
that floats on high o'er vales and hills,
when all at once I came across
your Mum's face.

2.Is est non novus ut somnium super concubitus per a prosapia member

I also write romantic love songs, titles include:

1. I Wish (my nob was bald)
2. My Dad's Got Tits.
3. If I Had A Chicken, I'd Eat Its Head First.
4. My Guide Dog's Got A Wide-on

I also love Jesus.

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» Inventions You're Too Lazy To Make

The HedgeHogWatch
A device so simple - it'll make you weep blood, a hedgehog strapped to your wrist - you can now tell the time. If its winter, it's asleep.

Two alarm settings, winter and not-winter. Never be unsure what season you are in again.
(Thu 8th Apr 2004, 16:13, More)

» Breakin' The Law

sperm, poo & piss
Firstly some background; my Dad is a retired GP and Police Surgeon (certifying dead tramps, tending to people in the cells, giving evidence in court etc) and where we lived in Notts, Dad's surgery was just up the street.

So, one day many years ago when I was a teenager enjoying my school holidays i was abruptly awoken from my matutinal slumbers by the front door bell ringing. "ah..." I thought, "no-one is in, must answer door...."

Stumble down stairs, open door, blink resentfully at policewoman-shaped silhouette standing in the sunlight....holding a plastic bag.

"Hi there, is your Dad in? I've been up to the surgery and no-one is there?"

"Sorry Miss - he's out at the moment, he'll be back later"

"oh fine, could I leave these with you then? Oh by the way, I should keep them refridgerated"

YAWN, "OK, will do - bye now", stuff bag in fridge and leave nestling gently amongst our lovely middleclass food stuffs (palma ham, mayonnaise, left-over venison, swans' tongues etc) and go back to bed....sleep, ah sweet slumber....

Awoken a few hours later by my mother demanding to know "What the hell is this bag full of piss, shit and sperm doing in my fridge!?"


Punchline: my Dad frequently acts as an expert witness for rape victims etc and quite routinely takes samples from the victims and/or criminals - I explained what happened that morning, oh how we laughed.

ps - to clarify: each bit was individually contained, it wasn't a doughy mixture of the three wrapped up in a bag.
(Thu 8th Jan 2004, 14:29, More)

» Teenage Poetry

the 4play song
Slap, slap,
tickle, tickle,
slap, tickle, squeeze

slap, tickle
flick, flick,
tickle, flap, tease

nibble, squeak,
suck, bounce,
fiddle, fuck, cheese.

slap, clap,
down to my knees
(Fri 12th Aug 2005, 12:35, More)

» Teenage Poetry

the cattle are lowing
virgin mary wet the bed
the little boy jesus
broke her hymen with his head
(Thu 11th Aug 2005, 17:39, More)

» World's Most Hated Food

I hate blubber - the smell could neuter horses from 10 yards. It appears solid on the outside, then when you bite into it...gooey-liquid fish squirts into your mouth.

Callipygous' Epitaph: "I've never given a dungong a blow job, but I have eaten blubber."

Also, sexual cannabilism, turns my stomach.

I do however enjoy a nice Double Decker, dipped in tea.
(Fri 16th Jul 2004, 11:11, More)
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