» Essential Items

When I was younger...
say...10 or 11...I went through a phase of carrying a 'survival kit' around with me. It was an old hot water bottle cover that I'd sewn a strap to to use as a bag (I was a very, very strange child) and in it I kept:

Whatever little money I had
Some fudge
clean undies

I walked around very smugly telling everyone how if I was stranded on a desert island I wouldn't starve and I'd have clean pants.

My brother asked what I'd do when the fudge ran out.
(Thu 27th Oct 2005, 17:27, More)

» Shoddy Presents

Oh, I can think of two!
Fisrt, A great Auntie sent me sellotape (...)

Secondly, my (senile) grandparents send me a book called 'knitting with dog hair'. No joke, it's actually a book about how to knit with dog hair. I don't have a dog, they know this. I don't even LIKE dogs, they also know this. I can't knit and have no interest in knitting, yes, they also know this. I don't think they like me very much...
(Thu 23rd Sep 2004, 21:14, More)

» Panic Buying

It's the thought that counts...
My grandparents give me questionable gifts every year. I presume most of them are either panic bought (as they couldn't have actually thought long and hard about whether to buy me some of the weird stuff I've ended up with) or they've got a far better sense of humour then I give them credit for. I generally go for former mixed with the fact they're probably senile.

The best by far was a very informative book called 'Knitting with dog hair'

I still have it, but I'm not sure why.
(Fri 23rd Dec 2005, 21:50, More)

» Pretentious bollocks

Pretention and fifteen year olds.
I went to a hard-as-nails full on comprehensive secondary school...seriously, a few years back a kid put a cat's head on the headteacher's desk, there was a stabbing in the playground and most of the year 9's smoked pot at breaktime. Most teachers only lasted a year and we took great delight in seeing how long before we'd make them cry (that's just to set the scene...)

For some reason unbeknownst to everyone, we were given some government spening money and they snet us to a schools music thing with loads of artsy private school posh kids who'd heard of our school and didn't want to talk to, work with or stand near us. The final number of this extravaganza consisted of a total ponce teaching us a song a verse of which is :

Drop in the ocean
Drop of emotion
I'm just the part of an ever changing tide
I rise up as rain, I fall down as thunder
I'm just a drop in an ocean of tears.

I know. Awful. Fucking awful. Our school (placed at the back) laughed so hard that the conductor told us to shut up, resulting in cheers from all the private school twats, resulting in us kicking them in the backs of the knees during the performance to make them fall over and trying to out-sing them. By shouting.

And that's why pretention and comprehensives don't mix.

Length? Pfft. It's nothing on the school music day.
(Wed 28th Sep 2005, 20:54, More)

» Pure Ignorance

Chav Ignorance
Hilarious conversation from year 11:

Chav: Why is Wales a different country?! It's in England innit?
Me: It's next to England. France and Germany are next to each other, but they're not the same country.
Chav: Yeah, but they speak the same language!

Oh dear.
(Fri 7th Jan 2005, 19:00, More)