» Breakin' The Law

If you ever get the chance, do this:
Myself and two mates were pulled over in car by local five O... nothing on us but we were a bit pissed off cos it was the third time in two weeks...

Mate1: (to copper) Is it true that if I was to swear at you, say, call you a cunt you could arrest me?
Cop: (very stern)Yes
Mate1: But if was to think that a copper's a cunt there's nothing they could do is there?
Cop: That's right
Mate1: (pauses, mutters "right, right" to himself then walks a bit closer to the copper and talks right into his face)In that case I think you're a cunt.

Fan-fucking-tastic. Cue barrels of laughter from us and a very red-faced copper who's just realised that he actually gave his express permission to have the piss taken
(Thu 8th Jan 2004, 13:03, More)

» Work Experience

New labourer starts on one of the sites I manage:
Our foreman tells him to go to B&Q down the road for some fallopian tubes. . . So off he pops and stops the first B&Q worker he finds (who happened to be a woman) and asks in a very forthright manner:

"Can you show me where your fallopian tubes are please?"
(Thu 10th May 2007, 15:27, More)

» Clients Are Stupid

Maybe a tad hypocritical.......
I work for a company that provides certain b2b services, and one of our clients is a large (one of the biggest) arms manufacturer...

...as part of our excellent service and in the wake of 9/11 we offered all of ours clients an additional service whereby members of our staff would work out of normal working hours in the event of a major terrorist attack or major military conflict (such as the invasion of Afghanistan / Iraq / A.N Other Oil Rich Country). To cover the expense of staffing and other overheads we said we would be charging our clients for the service (the price was negligibly different from what it was going to cost us .... ie we weren't offering the service primarily for profit)...

...anyway, all of our major clients welcomed the service with open arms ... apart from the aforementioned arms manufacturer (one of the BIGGEST ARMS MANUFACTURERS IN THE WORLD don't forget) who told us ... and my jaw dropped when I heard this ... that they thought it was imoral that we were trying to profit from a conflict situation !!!
(Wed 31st Dec 2003, 12:27, More)

» Ripped Off

Train journey
ANY train journey. Although 200 bin-lids Manchester to London return is my personal favourite. . . Especially when some of the journey (between Manchester and Crewe) has to be done by coach.

Marvelous.

Still, reminds how much I (still) hate Thatcher [spits vehemently to wash the taste of her name from my mouth].

Length? about 200 miles give or take.
(Thu 15th Feb 2007, 17:14, More)

» Clients Are Stupid

"Yes madam, this is DIRECTORY ENQUIRIES"
I used to work as a BT 192 operator, possibly the must soul destroying job you can imagine. Approx 200 calls per hour, 8 hours a day for just over a fiver an hour (BT used to employ the majority of their call centre via an agency as it saved them on employment costs ... that is until they realised they could save shed loads more money by fucking off their UK call centre staff and opening call centres in India ... GENIUS)...

Anyway, the only thing that kept you going was the occasional bizarre call (that and taking the piss out of thick callers ... one of my favourite ways to amuse myself was to give the number of the manchester city FC switchboard to callers asking for manchester united)

One day I received a call and the following conversation ensued:

CALLER: Hello is that directory enquires?
ME: Yes madam
CALLER: I wonder if you can help me, I'm baking a cake and need to know how many grams there are in 6 ounces

Need I say more? In fact, the job gave me quite a frightening insight into the inherrant and amazing stupidity of humanity....
(Wed 31st Dec 2003, 12:42, More)