b3ta.com user Professor Yaffle
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» Heckles

at Glastonbury
Oasis comes on and bloke next to me shouts at the top of his voice 'Do park life!'
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 18:31, More)

» My sex misconceptions

Aged 7
"Homo Satchel"

I thought he was insulting my school bag...
(Thu 25th Sep 2008, 16:59, More)

» Heckles

Glasto again...
comedy tent many, many years ago.

comedian is not too bad but is having a hard time as there's some 8 year old pikey kid stood right at the front shouting obscenities at him, every offensive thing you could possibly imagine. this goes on for some time. then the comedian just gets really pissed off and asks 'are your parents here?' to which pikey-boy replies 'fuck no, you cunt' (i'm paraphrasing). so comedian walks to front of stage, gets his dick out and waves it mere inches from the child's face while describing how he's going to take him backstage and abuse him in grotesquely graphic detail.

took a few seconds for the audience to remove the shocked expressions and replace them with tears of laughter.
(Fri 7th Apr 2006, 12:58, More)

» I witnessed a crime

Got home from holiday one morning to find our road cordoned off and armed police at either end.

Someone had been shot outside our front door.

Went to bed to get over the jetlag. Woke up in the afternoon, went outside, neighbour told me what had happened in some detail. Walked down the road to get paper, milk etc.

Local news team stop me and ask if I'd seen/heard anything.

I tell them no, but I relate the story from the neighbour. They ask me if I can tell the story again, when they've got the camera and sound set up, but this time tell it from a first person point of view. As if I was a witness. To a gang/drugs related shooting. Outside my front door. So I can be on telly. Telling the story. When I was actually out of the country when it happened.

Did I do it?

Did I bollocks...
(Thu 14th Feb 2008, 13:45, More)

» Job Interviews

how we laughed...
IT company i used to work for had a policy of only hiring people with a VERY good sense of humour and lots of common sense.

So, IT grad straight out of uni arrives at 9am for an interview, my boss tells him there's a load of PCs next door that need the HDDs changed, can he get on with that. All the new HDDS are in a pile, just need to open the boxes up and switch 'em. A doddle.

"Oh, here's some anti-static gloves so you don't knacker 'em all while you're doing it" and hands him a pair of bright red oven gloves with OXO written on 'em in big white letters.

He changed 4 HDDs, went to lunch and never came back. Never said a word to anyone the whole morning either... we were all next door pissing ourselves.
(Thu 27th Jan 2005, 2:39, More)
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