» Hidden Treasure


I used to have a hamster. When it died, I was very sad, but life had to go on, and my parents needed to go shopping and get some petrol. We stopped off for the petrol, and what should my aunt find but a £5 on the floor! She gave it to me saying that I can buy another hamster with it.
Next day, came home with 2 female russian hamsters. Was told by the 'lovely' people at PetsAtHome that they are "both female, and both are not pregnant, but if they do get pregnant, come here with the babies, and we will buy them off of you".

Turn out that not only were they male and female, but the female was already pregnant. Ended up with 54 hamsters, in about 20 cages. My mum had to move her bed into my bedroom because the cages took up her bedroom.

The icing on the cake was when we went back to PetsAtHome: "Sorry, we already have a supplier, we cannot buy your hamsters from you".

Net Result:

Treaure Won: £5
Lost: £350 in cages, food, and sawdust.
(Fri 1st Jul 2005, 10:42, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

Not so much a colleague as a superior.
But in name only.

The first job I had was working at Morrisons, as a 'Grocery Maintenance Officer', which involved the exciting task of turning cans and jars 'round so they faced out.

Anyway, the dopey bitch that hired me needed to know my shirt size, for the uniforms. I had already listed it on the application form, but apparantly she had 'lost it'. After telling her, I was presented with 2 shirts. 18 1/2" neck and 47" chest.

Now, I'm not skinny bloke, but these things were like a tent on me! I could have done the buttons up and stepped into it through the neck. My protestations about looking scruffy fell on deaf ears.

Anyway, I duly put one on, and got on with the job. Only to be fired 2 days later for - yep, you guessed it - 'looking unkempt'.

I was never more happy to be fired, and to this day I thank any and all celestial powers - real of imagined - that I didn't end up making a career out of shelf-tidying.

I ended up walking home, in the rain, with my shirt tied about my head. Although it had only been 2 days - 16 hours - I felt the depression I had started to feel slip from my shoulders as if washed away by the downpour.
(Fri 25th Jan 2008, 21:14, More)

» Lies that got out of control

I'm first.
And anyone that says otherwise is a liar.
(Thu 12th Aug 2010, 13:05, More)

» Expensive Mistakes

Computer Home 'Courses'
I love computers. Love 'em. I always wanted to do a computing course in them when I was a bit younger, and a lot less confident.
My lack of confidence and crippling shyness meant that I couldn't really do a college course - I might've steeled myself up enough to sign up for one, but I doubt I would've lasted past the first day.

So then a leaflet drops through the door, about home computing courses. It sounded fantastic, and I booked a home-visit to get some more information.

A nice young lady came to the door. Well, when I say nice, I mean nice in the same way window-salesmen are nice. Nice until you sign the cheque or show them the door.

Anyway, she prattles on about all the fantastic benefits of studying from home, how I would receive a diploma, 24/7 support for the course, fee remissions for the tests etc. All sounded great. Okay, where do I sign? £1000? Okay, if you do indeed give everything you promise, I suppose that's alright. Do I get the parts to build the computer for the course? No? Oh.

Stupid cunt that I am (was?) I still went for it.
I was given a blue satchel with the paperwork and book in it, a computer 'toolkit' (wrist-strap and a couple of screwdrivers), and the phone number for my 'dedicated support advisor'.

So, anyway, I save up yet another £1000 and buy some really good parts - something I can build for the course and then use for 3 or so years.
The main bit I wanted from the course was building and maintaining them. The first book I was given showed how to build them. Which basically was 10 pages of "plug that there, that there and that there". It was horribly out of date and focused on installing Windows 95. Yes, 95. I had bought Windows ME (which shows how much of a novice I was!).

So, I phone up the 'advisor': "The book tells me how to install 95, but I have ME". "What's ME? I only know about 95 and 98".

GREAT! The fucking advisor doesn't know about computers!
After several more probing questions it transpires that she has only got the same books I have, no training, and hasn't actually worked with computers at all! The stupid bitch didn't even know what RAM was!

So I muddle along on my own, inwardly seething at the thought I have splashed out a grand for a course I will have to complete on my own, with no support. I get as far as the first test, and phone up to book.
"Oh, no, you don't do them from home, you have to come to our offices". "Well, I was told you came to me, it was the whole reason I signed up" "Well we have never done home testing"
So, I keep arguing with her, and the subject turns to fee remissions "No, we don't offer any remissions. You have to pay for the tests". "Fuck off do I. How much?" "£75 each test".

"GET. TO. FUCK. YOU. THIEVING. CUNTS!!!".

End result:

£1000 for some useless, outdated paperwork
£1000 for a computer (Which admittedly I did use a lot, but I wouldn't have gotten it if I hadn't signed up for the course)
£20 for a new phone after slamming it down and breaking the handset.

I have now completed 6 City&Guilds courses, all free, all with proper grades which mean something.

Suffice to say, I would never do another home course. So far I have managed to discourage 3 people who were seriously thinking of doing them with this company.

Sorry for huge post. No, really. No nob-gags. I just had to get it all out. It's been a long time brewing :)
(Mon 29th Oct 2007, 17:28, More)

» Crappy Prizes

I didnt win, but I still got it!
My mate's mum owned and ran a restaurant called "The Coach House". Greek place - plate smashing, belly dancing, the works.
My mum used to work there, and I would usually go with her to hang about with my mate.

Anyway, one day I turned up, to see a MASSIVE easter egg in the front entrance. It must have been about 4 foot tall.

Turn out it was a raffle, tickets were £5 each.

Me being about 11-12, didnt have that cash, and so just sat there drooling at it.

The day wound down, the place closed, and everything was being tidied up.

A shout from downstairs was heard "Do you want this thing or not?"
Peering down the stairs we see my mate's mum leaning on the easter egg.

Turns out she had kepts the "winning" ticket aside, so nobody would ever win, and had already known we would end up scoffing it.

This thing was about 2 inches thick of lovely chocolate. We managed to get through the whole thing in 1 sitting (2 12 year olds)

I think the biggest accomplishment was not being sick.
(Sat 6th Aug 2005, 1:08, More)