b3ta.com user CaptainKirk
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The highlight of my week used to be reading the b3ta newsletter. Now there is nothing. I am incomplete but
I lurk a lot on the boards. They have helped me hone my sense of humor.
Yeah, I'm fucked...

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» Blood

Sorry I bled all over your kids!
A couple of years ago the shingles on my house needed replacing so to save money I decided I would fix it all myself.
In the process I didn't secure the ladder properly and fell 15 feet into a pile of old shingles and rusty nails! I pretty much punctured myself like a voo-doo doll! I had about 100 bleeding nail holes in my side and arms, broke my shoulder and 3 ribs.
Friends of mine felt sorry for me and brought their kids over to cheer me up when I got out of the hospital. I was all hopped up on beer and painkillers and remember picking their young kids up and playing with them, broken bones and all.
At one point I remember looking down at their three year old and some of my stitches had ruptured and her face was covered in blood! She looked like Carrie from the Stephen King horror movie!
I looked around at the other 2 kids and they all had bloody hand marks across their faces and bodies. As soon as they noticed they all started to cry and throw tantrums! ;)
We threw them all into my shower to clean them off and all I remember is teh swirling blood going down the drain like in Psycho! ;(

I felt pretty crappy afterwards although no one was genuinely hurt. (I'm sure I'll get the therapy bills when the kids get older!)
I searched high and low, but believe it or not - no one makes an apology card that says : "Sorry I bled all over your kids."
Whatever.
(Fri 8th Aug 2008, 18:31, More)

» When animals attack...

Black Bear attack (Short Version - really) Story gets much longer after a couple of beers...
Out on a weekend walk with my girlfriend in Northern Canada we came across a black bear in a field eating blueberries. I wanted to be brave and impress her so I picked up a rock and threw it at the bear while yelling at it to run away. I hit it square between the eyes and it came running at us and was really pissed off!
I turned to run and my girlfriend was already long-gone! (She was a fast one...) I ran for about a minute before I turned around to see if he was there and he was right on my ass! I turned off the path and ran through the woods until I tripped over a log and landed flat on my face. I was bleeding pretty good and decided to play dead.
The bear climbed on top of me and started licking my legs that were cut up pretty badly. He kept pawing at me and trying to roll me over. When I thought he was finally gone I rolled over onto my back and there I was nose to nose with a 275-325lb black bear! I was scared as hell and started yelling at the bear calling it all kinds of nasty names then I picked up a stick and beat him on the end of the nose with it whenever he got close enough to reach. He just kept circling and making barking noises.
Meanwhile my girlfriend ran back to the camp we were staying at, ran into the washroom and locked the door behind her and hid under the sink crying until her mom finally coaxed her out of the bathroom and asked her what happened. She told her I was being eaten by a bear. Then she hid back under the bathroom sink...
Back to the bear... I saw a guy walking down the path and called to him. I said I couldn't walk and there was a bear standing on me. He laughed and came into the woods looking for me. He saw the bear and ran off screaming in the other direction. The bear stank like garbage and kept circling, swatting at me and barking. I kept beating him on the end of the nose with a stick and yelling every obscenity I could think of at him! I was even making shit up and yelling it because I was a little delusional and scared... example: "Great! Now I'm gonna have facial scars and walk with a limp and have a hard time getting laid you [email protected]&*#k'n pecker knocker! Come get some more!" - You know..., shit like that.
About 15 minutes later the guy from the path came back with a big dog and chased the bear away. The whole thing lasted 30-35 minutes.
He helped me back to our camp where I found my girlfriend still crying in the bathroom and telling everyone it was the scariest thing that ever happened to her! She wasn't even there for any of it. I ended up trying to console her for the rest of the night. She cried a lot.
I never did get laid that weekend...
(Thu 2nd Jun 2005, 20:17, More)

» Lost...

LOST:
Over the years I have lost: (In order)

My Virginity
My Sanity
My Hair
My Integrity
My Patience

If found please do not return, I've also lost interest in those things...
(Fri 3rd Dec 2004, 23:48, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

Insane Satanic Kitten
When I was 4 I had a cat named Patches that was insane & posessed by the devil & tried to kill everyone including me... I still have deep scars on my hands & head to prove it. One day he "disappeared"... Of course my parents told me he ran away, and it wasn't 'til 14 years later I learned the truth.
My mom had trapped it in a large coffee tin and brought it out into the woods to shoot it. When she shot at it the lid flew off, and the cat wasn't dead. She had shot off it's tail and it came running at her and violently attacked her leg. A friend of the family was walking by and saw this so he ran over and held the cat down with his boot, took the rifle and fired it into the cat's head 3 times point-blank executioner style.
I was 18 when I learned this story and still (14 years later) it makes me shudder. My mom is the kindest, gentlest woman you've ever met, but she still gets a nasty gleam in her eye when she talks about "that fucking posessed cat I had to shoot"...
(Sun 18th Jan 2004, 5:48, More)

» Irrational Fears

Fuzzy Fear & Dirty Potatos
I'm deathly afraid of velour.
You know that fuzzy, furry material like velvet that they make shirts and pants out of.
The mere thought of it sends shivers down my spine and makes my teeth hurt! If I'm too close to it or actually have to touch it I get violent and actually break out in hives.
My best friend is afraid of dirty potatoes. If you go near him with a dirty potato he freaks out and starts swinging his fists!
(Wed 28th Jan 2004, 23:37, More)
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