b3ta.com user Schumann
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Benabus, son of... me. Brother of Anubis. Has Teal'c as his bitch.

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Best answers to questions:

» Have you ever seen a dead body?

I've never
But i wish i had, in this case.

My Grandad, God Bless him, lost his wife some 10 years before he popped his clogs. To boot, he began to exhibit the signs of alzheimers.

We figured that it was in his best interests to move him into a nursing home, simply because he was having trouble keeping himself together and remembering to do things such as a) lock his door b) feed himself or c) attend any appointments at the doctor.

Bear in mind, this was before the advent of PDA's and other such guff for keeping people electronically moving.

Aaaanyhoo. We moved him into a nursing home, and like the scoundrel that he was, he picked up habits like he was a teenager.

He was approximately 500 yards from the pub, and would often go out at teatime, and stumble home at closing time. My old man, and myself, have also experienced this trait.

At any rate, his life was comfortable. A little ... too comfortable. My dad was given a call one evening from the home, asking if he could come and speak to his father. Apparently there had been an 'altercation' in lift. Fearing that my granddad had gotten drunk and assaulted someone, he drew up the car solemnly outside, apologising to every one of the staff on his way in.

Except, by 'altercation' they're meant fraternisation. Yep, my dear old granddad had been 'altercating' with a ladyfriend in the lift. Nice one granddad, i hope i'm still that randy at 75. I still hope my dad high-fived him, and then quietly told him to keep it 'low-key'.

The reason i bring up this story is that my granddad died in that nursing home; and it's a funny story...

He came home, pissed as a fart one night. Apparently singing lots of old Scots songs at top volume, he proceeded to get into the lift and head for his lady's room. Granddad was a filthy bugger.

However, upon getting halfway along the corridor, he tripped and fell flat on his face. Comedy images aside he -in his fragile, old state- managed to fracture his skull. Some 20 yards from his lady's room. Pissed out of his skull. Wearing a party hat.

He never woke up.

By by God do i wish i'd found him. Simply to give him credit, one last time, for his sheer audacity to die without dignity. For his tenacity for being a randy bugger that i hope one day I will become.

Cheers mate, you will be sorely missed!
(Fri 29th Feb 2008, 8:58, More)

» Too much information

Subjects of your affection
"My ex-boyfriend had the biggest cock i've ever seen."

Right. Before. Entry.

TMI? I thought as much.
(Thu 6th Sep 2007, 11:31, More)

» Karma

Parking tickets
When i park up, if there is any time left on my ticket (usually is, I'm a man and things can be done in 10 minutes flat meaning the 0-2 hour ticket is a waste) i take the sticky-backed thing off and leave it on the ticket machine nearest me.

I believe this is my way of passing on karma. Saves someone £1.30 for a ticket.

This has only returned to me once, when i discovered a similar thing had happened - i approached the ticket machine, and lo there was a ticket there. With a whole day left.

So i took it, used it, and passed it on.

Parking ticket karma is cyclical, my friends.
(Tue 26th Feb 2008, 13:55, More)

» Pet Peeves

This might take a while
I am going to list the irritating things that irritate me like getting an itchy scrote in a packed bus.

-Middle-aged men/women driving a BMW/Mercedes/Audi/Porsche Cayenne. There is a thing under your steering wheel, to the left. It is your indicator. If you pull it back, it sometimes flashes the headlights. If you do not indicate, whilst on your mobile phone, and attempt to intersect me and my car's place in the space-time continuum, you will find out how disagreeable having the second option in your rear-view mirror is.

- Customers. I don't know why, but people expect the world of me. I am a shelf stacker, i could tell you which wine would compliment your cheese, but understand this... i am a shelf stacker. And it wouldn't matter what i recommend anyway, you'll still buy some Californian shite anyway.

- People who cannot spell. This is basic human right, and people who cannot spell and will not accept my Grammar Nazi status when correcting them, should be burned at the stake.

- Social gym-goers. The gym is for working out, toning one's physique (or tits, in my case) and getting-the-fuck-out after an hours sweat. There is no conversation. I'm wearing headphones. I do not want to converse with you. Get it through your testosterone bloated head.

- Being expected to tip the pizza delivery guy. I am just a skint as you are, and no matter how much you 'hum' and 'haw' on my doorstep, i will not tip you. You simply drove my pizza to me. I am grateful - now fuck off.

- Supporters of the Tories/Libdems/SNP/BNP/Labour/Green parties. It's not that i abstain from political discussion, i just don't care for your regurgitated post-Guardian opinions on the political climate in Tibet. Honest to God, i have more interesting things to do. Like have a wank, or stare into space.

- People who think liking more than one brand of whisky/vodka/gin/rum is pretentious. Tell me, would you argue that Coke is the same as Pepsi?

- People who overuse or misuse 'plethora', 'myriad', 'irregardless', 'verbatim', 'curmudgeonly', and the word 'banter'.

- People who say the 'banter' was good last night. It wasn't. The craic was ace, the 'banter' is A FUCKING SHITEY OVERUSED WORD BY CHAVS.

- Techno Techno Techno Techno Techno music.

- Students. I am one, i will be one again. But i will never EVER wear a keffiyeh as a fashion accessory, think that not washing clothes for weeks is 'cool', dig the latest 'The' band because they're playing the Union this week, drink poor quality vodka because i'm too skint to afford the good stuff, think that going to classes is a chore, discuss Nietzsche as if i could revolutionise the country with his philosophical stance, admire Che Guevara as an revolutionary, or ever think it is ok to declare people as subhuman because 'mummy and daddy couldn't afford to get them a place in Oxbridge'.

- The foil that covers toothpaste. Why must i use a knife to remove this?

- Bartenders who insist on putting melted ice into my daiquiri. No, stop it. It is wrong, and i am telling you how i want my drink. You are doing it wrong. I will pay the difference, i do not mind. You are still doing it wrong. STOP BLASPHEMING A CLASSIC DRINK YOU UTTER COCKTARDED FOOL!

- The American attitude to Ancestry; you are 7th Generation Scots-Irish you say? Roots in County Meath/West Ayrshire? Y'don't say! Wow, jeepers... that's amazing. Did you know that your real special to have those roots because HALF OF AMERICA IS MADE UP OF THE SAME FUCKING ANCESTRY? I DON'T CARE AT ALL. I CAME TO THIS BAR TO GET A PINT OF YOUR SHITTY EXCUSE FOR GUINNESS, NOT TO TALK BOLLOCKS ABOUT SOME ANCESTRY THAT IS NOW SO DILUTED YOU LOOK LIKE A BEIGED UP VERSION OF A KOREAN.

- People who insist on placing capos on the 8th or 9th fret of the guitar to make it sound like some sort of autistic ukulele. No. Stop it.

- People who shred in guitar shops on the latest piece of wanktastic guitar metal because they can. I'm just here for some picks, stop thrusting your crotch and that Ibanez whatever in my face. I just need some picks to play my acoustic guitar with. Stop it, right now.

- Folk who park awkwardly in car parks.

That's all for now, part two will appear later.
(Fri 2nd May 2008, 3:35, More)

» School Days

6th Form Hijinks
- Zaf doing a striptease in a local pub to the tune of 'Kiss Kiss' by one Holly Valance (well, it was Tarkan, but who'll know the difference?)

- Neil doing a similar dancing on tables act before falling flat on his face.

- winding up the headteacher with the Legendary Mr Bottone from the music department.

- Our 6th year prank:

We left without doing anything. This is key. Several years previously the sixth year had placed fish in the ventilation system. Funny stuff, one might think. It couldn't be located. The Music department stunk for 6 months. They had to recarpet and reupholster the complete department.

fastforward to our year:

We left without doing anything.

Apparently there was a good 5 months worth of paranoia and witch-hunting, including the calling back in of a few pupils to confess to their heinous crime. Which made them even more paranoid because they could say with straight faces "We didn't do anything".

Length? 6 months of worry for the teachers.
(Thu 29th Jan 2009, 13:03, More)
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