» Jobsworths

Bing sings but Walt disnae
Quite a few years ago we were taking our two young kids to the yewessay for a medical conference. Our son has a rare life threatening and life limiting condition. There are only two kids in Scotland with this syndrome.
We asked Walt's fun park six months before we travelled if they would waive son's entry fee for a five day pass - which we would donate to said syndrome charity. This is because his disabilities are so profound, blind, epileptic, autistic, kidney failure, doubly incontinent, non verbal etc etc, he could not see or enjoy any of the rides. All we would be doing is wheeling him round the parks while our daughter enjoyed the rides etc. We bought passes for ourselves and daughter.
Why spend £70 or whatever it was on a child who patently could not get any use out of the parks?

They replied a week before we went saying he could only get in for free if we could produce a letter from his consultants expressing that it was his dying wish to see M Mouse. His favourite toy at the time was a margarine lid, I kid you not.

After a protracted and public argument with the ticket folk at the park they agreed, no deigned, to give us a complimentary one day family pass as we hadn't even entertained the idea of bothering his doctors with such an inane request. The deep irony is that the family pass cost more than it would have to just let him in for the five days.

I still hate those fuckers.
(Mon 16th May 2005, 21:09, More)

» Shit Stories

My lil' window lickin' son
My little boy has Lowe Syndrome, a rare genetic disorder which leaves him with physical disabilities and multiple and profound learning difficulties.
Last year his special needs school took him wheelchair ice skating for the first time. He really enjoyed the wind in his wee face, but they spent so long on the ice, that he was long overdue a nappy change, ( he is 10 and doubly incontinent ) He takes various kidney medications which leaves him with loose stools, which I am pretty immune to after a decade....
Anyway the shit had leaked out from the bottom of the nappy and travelled down his leg inside his trousers, into his socks and boots, special orthopaedic ones, all beautifully stitched.

Whoever changed his nappy, put the shoes in one bag and tried to rinse out the trousers, gave up and stuck them in another. All cool. It's not their job to launder shitty clothes.
Someone else came along to pack the school bags, saw the shoes and put them in with the wet shitty trousers to keep them together, not realising how disgusting the trousers were.

Three hours later the schoolbag arrives home, did you ever see pong lines in a cartoon when there's something smelly? I swear these were coming out of this bad when I opened it. The stench was unbelievable...wet shite, leather shoes, you do the maths.

I dealt with the trousers and socks, but the shoes were just plastered with shit, in all the stitching. To try and clean them I had to hand pick the shit out the stitching with a needle, with the tune running through my head " if my friends could see me now"
It only took 45 minutes.

Now that's what I call care in the community, what I earn my £43.15 per week for :(
(Fri 7th May 2004, 8:31, More)

» My Worst Vomit

Never touch gold bacardi...
One time as a student, we went out on the piss for someone's 21st. Started off with wine with our chinese, all very civilised. Then off to a 50p a drink night, all putting a fiver in to start with. This story comes from someone who gets mortalled on three drinks. We decide to go to a disco, Panama Jax for those who remember it, and are refused entry for being drunk. The only married couple of the group decide to invite everyone back to theirs as they have a bottle of Gold Bacardi from their recent holiday abroad. I was given a measure roughly of half a pint of bacardi to a dash of coke... all of a sudden I need to be sick but can't think where I am or where the toilet is.
I go towards where I think my toilet is at home, except I'm not home and in my disgust at not finding it think "fook this" and was violently sick all down myself and the hosts bonny rug.
I woke up in the morning, having been stripped washed and put into a clean t shirt lying next to a guy I never saw before in my life ( hosts brother )
So...ticket to hull for gold bacardi - it is the devil's urine.
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 17:18, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

Years ago at uni
we're made to go outside during lectures as some twunt had set the fire alarm off for a laff. One of the lecturers who wore a cravat was standing near our lot. One particularly stupid female student looked over at him and said, "I think men who wear carafes are dead sophisticated" Later she topped this by asking if the Pope was a catholic as she was "really sure" he was a Christian.
(Fri 11th Jun 2004, 13:51, More)

» Best Comebacks

unintentional but never forgotten
I was out with a group of mates at uni years ago and one twunt friend of a friend joined in who was working and had a car, some Mazda or other. As we piled out the pub he was waxing lyrical about this fookin car for the umpteenth time and I asked what kind of car it was. When he proudly said "a Mazda" I replied " is that not a kind of lightbulb?"
Much falling about with laughter at his expense.
(Thu 29th Apr 2004, 15:07, More)