b3ta.com user wozza_c
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After leaving school with 7 A levels I took a PHD in astrophysics. I turned down a promising career at NASA to live a nomadic life in a cave in Milton Keynes where i invented the Internet, the Wonderbra and foam packing chips.

Now living in sin with my sister in a bedsit in Manchester and earning a crust by selling celebrity hair and toenail clippings on Ebay

Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:


Curry shop smashup
I started my first ever job for a high street car insurance broker back one December in the mid-90's. I was told that they would be having their Christmas do at the local curry shop across the road. Fueled with the excited anticipation that all sorts of shennanigan's happened at company Christmas parties i was looking forward to a drunken rendezvous with Louise the data entry girl. After the main course had finished and several pints had been downed the MD stood up to give out various prizes for peoples achievements throughout the year. Just a load of tat really. I won the new boy award, which was some kind of misshapen teapot!

The boss then gave his last prize to Stephan..the office wideboy who sported an impressive mop of hair. Stephan opened the present to find a pair of scissors, to which the boss shouted "You've won the cut your fucking hair award", to which he impressively jumped across the table, grabbed the scissors and started chopping into Stephans locks.

Well, fuck me, every grudge that had built up through the year was let out as 15 people started beating the crap out of each other. At one point a full pint of larger went whizzing past my face and smashed into a picture on the wall. It was like something out of one of those wild west bar fights!

Louise ran past me crying and i left following her hoping for a comfort shag which alas never materialised.

The best bit was the next day where we all watched the MD walk sheepishly back to the restaurant with brown envelope full of cash in an attempt to not get them to press charges!

Christmas parties have all been downhill since then!
(Thu 14th Mar 2013, 13:38, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

Flames of Glory!
When i was around 15 a friend of mine and i found a mostly empty can of deoderant on the floor. We promptly picked it up and peirced it onto an iron railing.....then in a fit of genuis lit the gasses that were coming out of it! Thus ignoring 2 of the warnings on the back....and getting burnt fingers as a reward!
(Tue 9th May 2006, 13:34, More)

» World's Most Hated Food

Fetid Foodstuffs
Anchovies and Capers.

Im mentally scarred after being at this girls house years ago and her mum rocks up and offers to make me some lunch. "Is pizza ok?" she asks..."Sure" i reply.....20 minutes later she serves me up a pizza with the sole toppings of anchovies and capers??! I mean WTF!! Perhaps she was trying to curtail any relationship that may have spawned between me and her daughter. It certainly worked, i mean if you can screw up a pizza that badly, just imagine christmas lunch!

Parma Violets

Watch out kids....its like eating you nans perfume compressed into sweet form.


If it has a function, i don't want to eat it.


How can something so fowl come from something so good like beer?


I swear that next time one of our resident South Africans sticks another sweaty carrier bag full of this rancid shit under my nose i am going down for a 5-10 strech at her majesties pleasure.
(Mon 12th Jul 2004, 12:56, More)

» Pure Ignorance

Wembly Park?
Was walking into Wembly Park station and passed a (I assume) foreign couple with 3 kids and all the paraphernalia that goes with them. As i walk past i hear the woman turn to the man and ask in an unimpressed voice "So where is this park then?"

I was tempted to tell them that they would have a much more enjoyable family day out at Oxford Circus!
(Tue 11th Jan 2005, 13:03, More)

» People with Stupid Names

Who wants to be
I remember watching who wants to be a millionaire a few years ago and this bloke called Tony Watt came on....i wonder if Chris Tarrent made the cheque out to T.Watt!
(Fri 27th Aug 2004, 10:35, More)
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