b3ta.com user squiddylyd
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» Asking people out

handcuffs
I'm awful at chatting up men, i go red, get totally tongue tied or talk absolute bollocks. My friend decided we should go to Falaraki so i could finally chat up some blokes without worrying about seeing them again.

First night out, a bloke walks up to my friend.
"my mate fancies your mate" (bloke is at least 23)
My friend " i have a pair of handcuffs.....lets get them together"

Me and random man+handcuffs= free drinks but stuck together with me and my awkward conversation and blustering

Spent the night trying to find keys, friends had run off, me and him stuck together for 6 hours getting pissed, but it was a miracle...i didn't talk shit! Said bloke had a terrible stutter and said he was happy for me to talk and he just wanted to listen! such a lovely bloke who was also as terrible as me for chatting people up.

Finally found said keys, said our goodbyes and i thought that was it.

Next day he turned up again, while i was dressed as aschool girl (another awkward point) We got talking again.

2 weeks passed, came home to England, had text off bloke. Did i want to meet up

Now engaged to be married, been together 6 and half years and live together. Awful way of meeting and chatting up someone, while handcuffed together, but it did work!
(Sun 13th Dec 2009, 17:36, More)

» Advice from Old People

Grandad's advice

My grandad is 81, deaf as a post, refuses to wear hishearing aidand sometimes comes across as a bit mad. But actually, he does pretty well, still drives and is a bit of a ladies man.

As he is old, he thinks he can get away with giving any advice he can think of.

He once found out that my cousin was chopping and changing his job and being a general loudmouth.

My grandad rang him up and gave him some advice:

"I can tell you this because i'm your grandad, but sometimes, but your a bit of a twat."

Greatest day ever
(Sun 22nd Jun 2008, 16:10, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Smell my fingers
Imagine the scene: 3 girls, one me very overdeveloped for a 13 year old, other 2 skanks hiding inside because of rain. All of a sudden Mr. Wood my (perverted skirt lifter) english teacher comes in. Now we think crap we are going to get detention for not standing in the drizzle when a very strange event unfolds.

Teach: hello girls, what are you doing here?'

Us: errrr, looking after the pond cus' the year sixes are trying to get in it?

we point to the indoor pond and plants surrounding it.

teacher: hang on..

He runs off across the pond, jumps on a stepping stone, puts on foot in the water grabs a leaf and rubs his fingers on it...

He comes back after this jumping, running and climbing trees, we think he's about to give us some kind of plant related detention or poison

'Smell my fingers!'

Us: errr.. no thanks... (backing away slowly)

Teach: they smell of lemon..

Now is it just me or is this weird behaviour for a teacher?
(Wed 9th Nov 2005, 17:59, More)

» Housemates from hell

Rosie the seal
ahhh, been waiting for this one!

In our second year at uni we had to move out into houses and me and my mates needed one more person. So somehow my friend knew a girl called Rosie who would be willing to live with us.

She was a fat slob, leaving dirty period stained knickers on the floor of the bathroom for weeks on end, smoking in nothing but her dressing gown 4 sizes too small for her size 24 frame, leaving fat from a fry-up in a pan for 5 weeks then using it to make breakfast and setting the kitchen on fire.

The best though, was she came home after being so pissed, that when she needed the loo, she couldnt be arse to shift her lump of lard arse to the bog downstairs. So she decided to grab a pint glass and piss in that. god knows how she managed it. then she left the house for 2 weeks. we smelt something in her room, went to discover the cloudy wee, dinner plates with mould, old pants, clothes. we didnt dare move the glass.

The night she came back we heard the sound of the wee being tipped out the window to the garden. the next day the glass turned up on the sink. not cleaned or wased. Scummer!
(Sun 8th Apr 2007, 19:13, More)

» Have you ever paid for sex?

50p lil
Im at uni at one of the chaviest towns ever, the land of dreams, Northampton.
There is a lady of the night who frequents in the town centre, who is known as 50p Lil. she is known as 50p Lil as she will give a blow job for 50p (or a mars bar depending how desperate she is), she has propersitioned everyone of my male mates. The other day she came into the town centre and pissed on a bench, pooed in a bin and wiped her shitty arse on her hand and carried on her business. She is also known for begging in pizza hut for food whilst covered in man juice... although i havent paid her for sex, i have seen a man getting a blow job outide H&M at 2pm in the afternoon....
(Wed 25th Jan 2006, 2:33, More)
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