b3ta.com user Mr.Ons
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» Stupid Dares

One of my friends (I say friend, he was more a sub-chav neanderthal who happened to tag along with my group) was once dared to jump a pretty small ramp, at a local biking location called the sandpits...so called because it was made out of sand.

Anyway, Captain Caveman spends an age at the top of the hill 'preparing' for his spectacular feat, before gracefully beginning his descent, gliding towards the ramp and...away from it. He "wasn't ready" apparently.

So, after much taunting, back up the hill goes he, ready at the top, and down he comes...up the ramp he flies!

Except the daft bastard forgot to pull up his front wheel, which fairly rapidly descended into the dip behind the ramp, hitting the front of the landing ramp, flinging him face first along the ground for 20 feet or so. This was made even more spectacular by the fact his bike continued teetering on its front wheel, moving slowly towards him, before falling and smacking him in the head, just to rub it in.

We all start running towards him, fearing the worst, and just as we get there, about 30 seconds later, he jumped up, and with the typical bravado of his species cries "I'm alright!" and staggered around trying to retain a sense of masculinity in front of the girls of the group.

This unfortunately failed, as his next act was to collapse once again, and just to finish it all off, soil himself.

I'd have thought there would have been some brain damage, but to be honest, with this guy you couldn't tell.
(Thu 1st Nov 2007, 12:17, More)

» Stupid Colleagues

I once worked at a popular national sandwich chain.
I came into work one sunny summers day to find two of my colleagues peering into a paper cup. Intrigued, I inquired as to what they doing, whereupon they beckoned me over, and showed me what they were so fascinated with.

It was a single coffee bean, floating in hot water. They were waiting to see how long it would take to dissolve.
(Thu 3rd Mar 2011, 17:47, More)

» Now, there was no need for that...

As a child of around seven years old,
I was on my way to the seaside, Blackpool to be precise. During my joyous journey to the train station, my sister and I were confronted by our school gates, which, when closed, has a gap just wide enough to let one person through. Needless to say, we took it upon ourselves to disprove the 'one at a time' theory, and ran headlong towards said gap. We neared the tiny portal, and tragedy struck. Our legs caught on each other, and entangled, down we both went. My sister, five years old at the time, was overcome by the pain present in her slightly grazed shins, and began to quietly sob. My mother rushed to her side, and comforted her for a few minutes, until turning her attention to me...

...I lay on the ground with a large, sharp rock, roughly the size of a half-brick, embedded into my leg just under the knee-cap, blood turning my lower leg a deep crimson, and me too out of it to even cry..."Off to casualty", mother cried, and away we went, but not before dropping my little sister at the station to enjoy a day at the beach.

What made this worse, even after being denied the excrement-filled beaches of Blackpool, having a rock stuck in my leg, and watching my little sister swan off to the beach in my place, was when they came to clean the wound.

The nurse comforted me, assured me that I would feel no pain, and gave me a little local anaesthetic. She then, before the anaesthetic had taken effect, proceeded to clean my slightly gritty wound.

With a toothbrush.

Now, there was no need for that...
(Thu 16th Jun 2005, 9:48, More)

» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

I lost my V plates to my mums best friend.
I was a newly minted 16yr old, she was thirtysomething, and I used to babysit for her. I, for some reason, decided to clumsily flirt my little ass off... and it worked! That lady taught me things that have made me the man I am today.
Little Mr.Ons is a rather girthy fellow, and she made loud and vigorous reference to this, leaving my ego undentable for months...

And then my mum found out.

Fun times, fun times.
(Thu 4th Dec 2008, 14:38, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Going to a grammar school,
as I did, you get to see alot of crazy teachers.

Mr. Taylor, who used to pronounce things like tissue, and issue, with great emphasis on the last syllable, as in Tis-sue. Wore a cravat, too.

Mr. Walsh, who was routinely drunk, regularly turned up late and once during class, whilst everyone was laughing at something, asked "Why are you all laughing? Is it because I've only got one shoe on?"
He had, and no-one had noticed.

Mr. Fradkin, who was the human version of Mr. Potato Head, and who almost permanently had an erection.

And the legendary Mr.Nowell. More soon. He needs a post of his own.
(Wed 9th Nov 2005, 14:47, More)
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