b3ta.com user Johnny Catfish
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» Job Interviews

"Pron Baron Wanted"
A few years ago I went for a job advertised thus: "Graphic Designer wanted for Adult Publications Company".

"Woo! Getting paid (a not inconsiderable amount) to look at dirty ladies all day!". I thought.

Got to the building and there were about twenty ropey old slappers hanging around the office (the company also ran "escorts") and met the boss, who proceeded to snort copious amounts of coke through the interview.

Every so often a tarty woman would come into the office and say things like "Guess what, John... Chantel's had her muff dyed green!" or "Just had a call from Bridie's boyfriend, she hasn't come home from the job we sent her on last night...".

He showed me the sorts of things I'd be working on (Over 40 Floozies, Hairy Midgets, Gynaecological Times, etc, can't remember the exact titles). It takes a lot to make me ill, but looking at some of the pictures I'd have to re-touch I felt myself retching...

He offered me the job, but I turned it down. I didn't really think a portfolio full of hamburger shots would go down too well with future employers...
(Thu 20th Jan 2005, 10:48, More)

» Scary Neighbours

I live next door to a real cunt
This fat fucker keeps on walking around his garden with no clothes on and singing at the top of his voice! As soon as I look out of the window I'd find him staring at me.

When I first saw him staring back I tried to hide, but now I just stare back until he fucks off.

I tell all the kids at work (I'm a teacher) about this chap and what he's been up to recently and they think it's hilarious!
(Thu 25th Aug 2005, 19:47, More)

» Guilty Pleasures

Moulding my 10 month old daughter's musical tastes
When it's just me and Catfish Jnr in the car I enjoy lecturing her about the good and bad points in what's on the radio/CD/iPod...

*Bedingfield comes on radio*

"...now, Catfish. Observe the trite lyrics and lack of originality contained within this song. This is music for people with no imagination or soul..."

*The Black Keys fires up*

"...on the other hand, although this music could be described as lo-fi, maybe to the point to amateurish, it still contains more ideas and - please excuse my french - rocks like a nasty bastard... no, Catfish. It's not good to say "bastard"..."

She's a big fan of Pavement and the funkier side of the Primal Scream. She's also starting to appreciate QOTSA at the moment.
(Fri 8th Apr 2005, 10:44, More)

» I just don't get it

The Fashion Industry
I sat through some of that awful "I Want to be a Glorified Clothes Horse" programme on Channel 5 last week and was struck by how self-important all these people are.

One of them, a photographer bloke, has a single word name (which he's had sewn into the back of his jacket) and acts like he's curing cancer!

He's taking pictures of starving adolescents who have been brainwashed into thinking that being so thin that your knees are wider than your thighs is more beautiful than being happy in your own skin!

Twats. The lot of them.
(Thu 31st Mar 2005, 12:38, More)

» Petty Sabotage

I think most of us here are, or were, virginal little geeks at school.

That's why we're so great now.
(Fri 6th May 2005, 10:02, More)
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