b3ta.com user The Mighty Gusset
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Chunks of it aren't even true any more !
In fact, even if I'd changed some of the more obvious lies to true things, they'd now be lies again !

I don't come on here that often these days, I seem to spend far too much of my life on BATracer ;

Not getting any younger.
And if anyone thinks I'm a bit too sick and cynical;
I live in Coventry (this is one of the bits that isn't true - I now live in Fucking Essex - Innit (Actually, even this isn't true any more - for the last two years I've been living in Shropshire !))

And don't update my profile nearly often enough.
As you can tell !

My MSN account expired bloody ages ago, taking loads of my stuff with it.
I don't really care though - it was all rubbish ! (Actually, there are a couple of things that I quite liked, and miss)

I really do cook all the lunches I enter into Lunch Of The Day
(This bit was All True at the time - I rarely cook at all these days (Not true, I cook at least 4 days a week))
This is one of my favourites

Slow (Very Slow as in 6 hours) Roasted Lamb Shanks in Madeira and Red Wine (A bottle and a half of the stuff for 3 shanks) with Rosemary and Garlic.
Served on a bed of Garlic and Cheese Mashed Potatoes
with Savoy Cabbage and Green Beans

What follows is all pretty meaningless :

The Mighty Gusset

is a Giant Dragon that Glows in the Dark, is Covered in Spines, fears the Military, has a Long Neck, and rides around in a Metal Tripod.

Strength: 8 Agility: 8 Intelligence: 9

To see if your Giant Battle Monster can
defeat The Mighty Gusset, enter your name and choose an attack:

fights The Mighty Gusset using

Inspired by events and Bill Bailey at Warwick Arts Centre.

Made this following a conversation in the pub one Sunday night.

This lived in my head for years until I did something about it.
It's what springs to mind whenever I hear the word :

Then the RSPCA sent me a mailshot and everything went Fluffy !

A reponse:

I was amused by the idea of the Japanese replacing standard "Blue Screen of Death" messages with Haiku.

Chavbike !

See - I told you it was meaningless !


If you've read this far, then you've wasted your life.

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» Breakin' The Law

I spent about a year as a Postman
Every morning, about 4.30am I 'd set off to walk the 4 miles or so into the sorting office in Coventry city centre.
Every now and again (it happened about a dozen times) the plod would stop me and ask me what I was doing.
Bearing in mind I'm in full postie uniform and carrying a Big Red Sack I'd have thought it fairly obvious.
On the last occasion it happened I'd had a bad night and wasn't in the best of moods.
Cock in a cop car followed me for about 200 yards before pulling alongside.
"Oy ! You mate. Mind telling me where you're going at this time of the morning ?"
"Sorry Officer, but you've heard of Female Impersonators ? Well I'm a Royal Mail Impersonator"
"You What ?"
"I like to dress up in a Postie uniform and walk around the streets in the early hours."
"Are you taking the piss ?"
"You Fucking started it !"

Needless to say I got nicked !

In the car :
"You are under arrest for impersonating an employee of the Crown, anything you say etc........ Do you have anything to say ?"

"Yes - Ouch ! Ouch ! Bastard Coppers, Stop Hitting Me ! - Now, write that down !"

Got a laugh down the station and I got a morning off work.
(Thu 8th Jan 2004, 12:47, More)

» Pet Names

I used to have a cat called Diesel
so called because he purred like a London Taxi.

He was completely mental,
he could detect a packet of cheese and onion crisps being opened from half a mile away (note: only cheese and onion)
He once managed to fight his way into my oven and remove and eat a whole roast(ing at Gas mk 6 ) chicken.
He'd also run headlong into glass doors.

Also. Not mine, but a mate had a Rottweiler called "Arnie" but it was soft and stupid so got renamed "Fluffy" - he seemed much happier with his new name !
(Wed 25th Feb 2004, 14:18, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Watching a local Ladies Football Match
(Well, sometimes you have to !)

Two players collide and one gets her knee nicely sliced open.

"Oooh !" says my mate "She's got a Nasty Gash"
"Yep, and now she's got a badly cut knee too !"
says me.
Cue falling around giggling !
(Thu 12th Jun 2008, 16:43, More)

» Sexism

This is undoubtedly 100% true.

Unfortunately we can't help it - our mothers drive us that way !
(Sun 27th Dec 2009, 22:39, More)

» Asking people out

You want chat up lines ?
I got chat up lines !

This one works :
"Hello, you'd look Damned Good on the end of my Knob"
It is important that you should say later :
"I was right - you Do look Damned Good on the end of my Knob."

This one doesn't work (or hasn't so far !) but it can get you slapped quite hard :
"Hello Darlin' Shit in me belly button and bark like a dog."
(Thu 10th Dec 2009, 19:59, More)
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