» Now, there was no need for that...

Appendix-a-rama
When I was much younger I woke up with intense stomach pain my mum took me to the doctor who prodded me in my abdomen to see if it hurt. It did! Not content he stuck his latexed finger up my rectum to check from the inside!! Yes, it hurts from that side too!! "Looks like appendicitis, better get to the hospital quick". Err, OK!

At the hospital the nurse checks from the outside ("yes it hurts, we established that...") and then from the inside again! Having had my arse non-molested until that day it was now becoming something of a hobby.

I was admitted to the hospital and put on "nil-by-mouth" so I could have the offending appendix sliced out later. So they starve me all fucking day and the only thing to look forward to is being chopped open. It finally turns midnight (or some such) and the surgeon comes into the ward and says that due to an emergency\fuck up\they can't be fucked as it's too late they decide to do the op tomorrow! Fuck! So they let me have some food; corn flakes with rancid milk! Thanks, just what I’ve always wanted.

So the next morning comes around I'm feeling delirious from lack of food but the intense stomach pain has subsided! Woo! The doctors do some more prodding and decide that "Nah, fuck it. Probably just an inflamed appendix. You can piss off now!" "If it ruptures then come back in".

So after having my guts prodded, my arse violated, the fear of God put into me over being sliced open, starved to delirium, and then fed a concoction of cornflakes and rancid milk my "illness" wasn't even cured. Now there was no fucking need for that!
(Fri 17th Jun 2005, 13:49, More)

» Guilty Pleasures

Fun with tailgaters
Slightly different to the other tailgating stories. If you have some twat tailgating then simply flick your sidelights on for a moment whilst accelerating hard.

The tailgating twat thinks your sidelights are your brake lights and so hits their anchors. Meanwhile you shoot off into the distance, thus creating a massive gap & cheesing off the tailgater. Such sad fun

Be careful to make sure you won't cause an accident by making the tailgater slam on their brakes and some poor unfortunate sod driving innocently behind them ends up in their boot!!! Ensure that no one is behind the tailgater please!!! And of course don't break the speed limit!
(Fri 8th Apr 2005, 15:19, More)

» I just don't get it

George Foreman health grills (and their ilk)
WTF? I understand grilling - it's a good way to cook food and it's healthy, but (and here's the rub) my fucking cooker has a grill!!! Why did everyone rush out to buy an appliance that I assume 99.9% of them already have?!?!

Can someone explain? Am I missing the point?
(Tue 5th Apr 2005, 14:13, More)

» I just don't get it

Catch 22 by Joseph Heller
This book is utter shite. I had heard great things about "Catch 22" being the most amazing and funny book ever written. Sorry? WTF? I couldn't "get it" at all. It's *not* bleeding funny in the slightest, I've had whiplash injuries that have been more amusing.

I really couldn't have given a shit about the main character "Yoassarin" and gave up on the book half-way through.

...and another thing on "a book related, I don't get this" is "fiction" and "non-fiction". It's not a huge piece of information, or even very clever, but I can never remember the tiny fact of which books are fiction and which are non-fiction - it just escapes me. Curse my odd brain
(Tue 5th Apr 2005, 13:33, More)