b3ta.com user mcnelson
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Painfully average, amateur nerd. Likes nu-skool breakbeat, Bettie Page, The Smiths, anything to do with Monkeys (loves Santexo!), married to the lovely Tisha.

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Best answers to questions:

» Banks

Back in the day, I needed a bank account...
...as I was about to start University, so I thought I'd better get myself one of those student accounts. Nat West were advertising their student accounts which gave you a free Young Persons Railcard, and as my uni was a fair distance away from home I thought it made sense. So into the bank marches I.

"Hello, I'd like to open a student account please".
"Certainly" says bank lady, we sit at her desk and go through all of the associated procedures. It was back in the day, so a DNA sample was unnecessary.

"There we go" says she, "your account is now open. Is there anything else I can help with?"
Just as I am about to ask where my railcard is, it finally dawns on me that I am in actual fact sitting in a branch of Lloyds TSB.
(Fri 17th Jul 2009, 19:25, More)

» Being told off as an adult

My Wife Watches SuperNanny
...and so I often catch it in progress. She always tells me off when I profer my solution to the badly behaved brats:

"bin bag: canal".
(Thu 20th Sep 2007, 18:15, More)

» Personal Hygiene

While working for a reputable music chain...
..I became aware of some regular customers, a blind woman and her husband who routinely came in to browse the DVD's. This would be surprisingly normal were it not for the fact that she smelled really, really bad - we had to spray all manner of chemicals in the lift and around the areas they had vacated upon their departure. My staff complained incessantly, but I urged them to empathise with the poor couple.
A few months later, during a busy Saturday afternoon we find a small turd in the DVD section; wishing to investigate this grisly surprise, we repair to the CCTV room where upon closer examination of the footage, we discovered said turd slips gently out of the base of the smelly womans trousers.
I imagine I've joined the ranks of only a few retailers who've had to ban a couple from their shops because the wife took a shit on the floor.
(Fri 23rd Mar 2007, 13:48, More)

» Stupid Dares

I learnt to swim really late...
..so as a youngster, upon family trips to the swimming pool, I would wear a rubber ring. I didn't mind at all, probably still wouldn't. My father was at the deep end with his cousin, both of them diving in and out and generally showing off. Seeing me, father dares me to jump in the deep end.
"But I can't swim" I protested.
"Fear ye not, for you are wearing a rubber ring" says he, for he might have been Shakespeare.
So I go ahead and jump in. The impact of me hitting the water sends my arms up over my head, and I slipped through the middle of the ring and sank. Father finds this hilarious, and after what seemed like ages, had to be gently reminded to jump in and save me. I never trusted adults again.
(Wed 7th Nov 2007, 18:35, More)

» Petty Sabotage

Not the most imaginitive...
..but it's a classic for a reason - first year at Uni, very early one morning after a fair amount of giggly booze, went around all of the communal kitchens and did the old 'fill glass with water, cover and place on worktop upside down, then remove cover' trick to every single glass and mug we could find, probably about 70. Then wrote 'Satan is your master' on the wall using wet pasta so it dried solid and took he paint off when it was removed. My education was not wasted, I like to think.
(Wed 4th May 2005, 23:45, More)
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