it's true

elephants are all gay
(Wed 21st Jan 2004, 1:48, More)

» Get Rich Quick

I think that this is going to get worse before it gets better.
I, just now, inspired by this question have posted the advert "I will do stuff for money" on craigslist- in the "Job Wanted" and "Erotic Services" sections.
I immediatedly got this email
"31 year old handsome guy in a 5 star hotel looking for company for dinner drinks and fun...can u please send a pic and some details?

I am for real and my pic is attached.


Thanks
N"

See, I'm looking for fun as well. I sent him this picture.


with the message "I can do whatever you like. Picture attached."

Gosh I hope he likes me!

Update: Uh, oh- more every few seconds. The latest
"hi,
How can I contact you? I am going to visit UK from Canada this month.

Cheers"
They will all get the same response.
(Sun 3rd Aug 2008, 20:03, More)

» Mugged

when i was five i was taken to visit a farm/kids meet animals place
a turkey stole my sandwich.
it was a turkey sandwich.

another more serious time was in soho a few months ago. some guy ran up and grabbed my wallet out of my pocket. busy street, i run after him screaming "give my fucking wallet back you cunt!"
It's funny how all the people standing around pretending to be tough suddenly shrink away from anything like this. I ended up in an alley being beaten with chains by 2 guys who wouldn't give my wallet back no matter how much i was bellowing at them. so i did the only sensible thing. I charged straight at them (for those of you who don't know a chain leaves a fair bit of distance between them and you). they ran for it.
had some fucking big bruises from that.

the moral of this story is, don't chase someone who took your money down an alley. it hurts. however, if you DO find yourself in this position the best response is to be as aggressive as possible. Oh, and nobody will ever fucking help you if you're attacked/robbed/whatever. I saw someone being pickpocketed in broad daylight a couple of days ago with about 70 passers by watching. The only thing that stopped it was me shouting "OI! WHAT ARE YO DOING TO HER BAG?".
People are fucking useless. Especially if your assailant is a cannibal turkey.
(Thu 15th Jun 2006, 16:09, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

cock it.
My grandad died a few years ago. As he was a fabulous old codger his funeral had to be brilliant.
The church was loaded with BRIGHT pink and purple flowers and there were family photos around the coffin in a sort of "TA DAAA!" pose.
This was made even BETTER by the fact that the deceased had left a huge collection of ghastly ties. I wore 2.

Back at his house there was a RIDICULOUS amount of champage and BRILLIANT food. I got appallingly drunk and got a curry as well. Then raced my brother in the old codgers wheelchairs.
It was great. Especially as I nicked a load of his books and he was a big fan of Plato. (and knew how to say "oi! slave bring me some soup!" in ancient greek for some reason).
(Fri 12th May 2006, 3:37, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

well, seeing as a lot of people are doing this
I decided a few years ago that, at my funeral, I don't care how my carcass is disposed of as long as I get made into a puppet so that I can be walked (by clowns on stilts) from my place of death to my disposal site.
(Fri 12th May 2006, 3:13, More)

» Never Meet Your Heroes

Not quite a hero but he was quite famous when I was little.
Timmy Mallet.
In my first year of University we were unfortunate enough to warrant a show by this spack faced retard. Obviously I got absolutely plastered and somehow got my hands on one of the foam mallets that were being handed out.
At some point I was dragged onto the stage and forced to play the ingenious game "Mallets Mallet". I was shitfaced. Also, I didn't know any of the things he was asking. I got hit with the mallet. Timmy got hit with my mallet. Hard. He didn't really react so, at my next failure to come up with a satisfactory response. He tried to mallet me again. He got hit. Hard. Repeatedly. His hat came off.
He wasn't best pleased. He came right up to me and whispered in my ear "Listen you cunt, I'm the star. Stop fucking about."
I wasn't going to take that. He got a "fuck yourself arsehamster!" or similar and the beating of his life. I got one of those stupid plasters and a shit comic.
It was one of the proudest moments of my University life. The day I gave Timmy Mallet a beating and got him to swear at me.
The cunt.
(Fri 26th May 2006, 4:40, More)