» Little things that turn you on

Weird turn ons...
Shoulder blades and spines.

I don't know why, I'm not a butcher, or a closet serial killer, but if I see a young laydee with an opened back top on and she moves her arms, it's something special.

One girl caught me once at a club eyeing her up and remarked;
"What are you looking at?"
I replied in all honesty;
"I was just admiring your spine."

I now note that it is not a particularly efficient chat-up line, but is fairly efficient at getting your knackers kicked in.
(Thu 17th Feb 2005, 15:46, More)

» Shit Stories

Poo Competition
My Friend Tom and I always used to discuss our shits. He used to be very proud of spending half an hour 'crimping one off'.

We then had a competition to see who could have the most plops in a day. It started off well enough, with about 3 or 4 each on the first day. Then tactics came into play. We both rushed off to the local curry house for vindaloos. Day 2 brought us up to about 7 and 5 poos each. Then I did something very silly.

I chose to cheat. Off I wen to Boots the Chemist and bout £10 worth of Ex-lax chocolate bars. And ate them all. Don't do this at home kids - it is not funny. On the plus side I was pooing 20 to 30 times a day, and won the competition. On the negative side, I spent most of the next 2 days on the toilet, getting more and more dehydrated, or walking carefully around my flat, with underpant stuffed with toilet paper incase of any further anal seepage.

I couldn't fart or laugh or cough without a couple of spoons of hot wet poo in my pants. Just say no to ex-lax kids.
(Thu 6th May 2004, 9:15, More)

» Petty Sabotage

Powder pepper
I hated my brother when he was younger. All sorts of reasons, but there you go.
One thing I particularly hated was his pretentious use of that horrible ultra pre-ground black pepper, from his own personal shaker. He put it on everything. All over covering everything.
How to sabotage this? I noticed when cleaning my electric shaver that the mottled 'beard dust' that collects in the blades looks just like his pepper. So I started saving it up.
After a month or so I had lots of it. I half emptied his precious pepper shaker and filled the rest with my nausiating beard trimmings, and shook the container up.

Come the next meal he covers his food in 50% pepper, 50% facial hair, and didn't notice.

I kept refilling it like this for months, and started enjoying mealtimes a lot more.

I've never told him, and, for those who are concerned, we get on much better now, thankyouverymuchly.
(Fri 6th May 2005, 16:18, More)

» Job Interviews

Being interviewed for IBM
Straight out of Uni, and doing the circuit of 'graduate training program interviews'.

As part of the 2 day long process we were forced into groups of 6 or 8 and had to 'work out various problems - as a group' you all know the rubbish - from building a tall structure out of bluetack and spagetti to the one that ruined my chances;

"Nasa is sending into deep space a capsule which contains 6 items showing life on Earth - you will choose one item from each of these categories; Art, Music, Sport, Literature, Technology and religion"

Well we argued about all of them, with Mr suited and booted IBM making notes about what choices were made and how.
It was time to make a choice about the religious item.

So I decide to show my honesty and ability to think outside the box;
"I don't think we should put anything representing religion in the box as any choice we make will be prejudice and assumptive. Religion has caused more deaths, wars and pain than anything else on this planet, and I feel that we shouldn't impose our belief structure on any other culture."

I felt quite proud of myself and would clearly be chosen for such a brave and 'sideways view'.
Wrong
The chap marking us was white and making notes like nobodies business.
It was only then I noticed his lapel badge with a silver crucifix on it. As were 90% of the other interviewers. And half the group I was in.

I didn't get called back, and apparently the right answer was a copy of the old testament, as it is found in one form or another in 3 or 4 religions.

Bas**ds
(Sat 22nd Jan 2005, 10:15, More)

» Impromptu Games You Play

Mullet touch
This is a game of kings.

It originated in Weymouth, where a friend of mine was working (as a teacher). Weymouth is famous for having two things highest per capita than the rest of the UK; teenage mothers, and mullets.

The aim of the game originally was just to spot a mullet.
Then it progressed to 'Touching the mullet', we even started taking photos of ourselves doing this...

We gave up after getting too drunk and trying to kiss some scabby weirdo's mullet...

Eurgh...
(Tue 30th Mar 2004, 12:13, More)