» Misunderstood

In the southern USA
On a road-trip through Arkansas, we stopped in a greasy spoon diner for a bite. I ordered a sandwich, and the waitress, in her southern drawl, said "Y'all want super salad with that?"

Not having been in Arkansas before, I wasn't sure what kind of local delicacy she was offering me. But she was cute, so I asked her flirtatiously, "What's so super about it?"

She gave me a withering look, and asked again: "Do y'all want super salad with that?"

I was slightly miffed, but still wasn't going to give up the game. I said "I'll try it, but only if you tell me what makes it super."

She gave me that special over-patient look that's reserved for retarded children, and asked me, with long pauses between words, "Do. you. want. soup. or. salad. with. that."

I didn't think it was THAT funny, but I've never heard the end of it from my mates.
(Mon 10th Oct 2005, 6:06, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

It happened very rarely, but every now and then the tables could be turned....
When I was really young, my parents bought my sister and me each a mechanical alarm clock - the kind with the two bells on top. I took mine up to my room, and about half an hour later my mother came in to find me sitting on the floor, surrounded by tiny clock parts. I was just learning to use a screwdriver. She gulped a few times, said nothing, then turned and walked out.

Another half hour after that, she came in again to find me sitting on the floor, playing with a complete alarm clock - and it worked! She was absolutely amazed. Stunned. She told all her friends about her genius son who stripped an alarm clock down to its tiniest little spring then put it all properly back together again, and it kept perfect time.

What she didn't know was that once I'd taken the thing apart I realized there was no way in hell I could figure out how to get all those pieces to fit back together... so I went over to the next room and took my sister's clock.

To this day she doesn't realize the stunt - and it served me very well when I wanted to take apart the vacuum cleaner, the stereo, and anything else I could get my hands on. I had open reign on the household machinery.

I learned my lesson though - after the clock I made sure I laid all the bits and pieces out in order so I knew how they went back!
(Thu 15th Jan 2004, 6:37, More)

» World's Most Hated Food

Once, there was a two-for-one deal
on Big Macs at Mickey D's.

Before I tell you the full story, let me preface by saying that I've eaten at this fine establishment possibly five times in my entire life, and that this was the first such joyful experience. It was the day of my very last exam at uni, and my friends decided that we should celebrate in style at the golden arches.

Well, I was quite hungry, so I ordered my two-for-one Macs and gobbled them both down. Strangely, I found them much less substantial than their appearance would leave one to believe at first glance, and the void was far from filled. So naturally I ordered another two of Ronald's finest, and worked myself around them in short order.

Thus began a two day journey of agonizingly stoppered digestion that left me practically bedridden, doubled over in pain and practicing almost constant deep-tissue massage on my belly to urge its rocklike contents along their way.

I have since learned that in this I am not alone, though few are foolish enough to consume the sheer volume of material that passed my lips on that unfortunate day.

Finally the blissful moment came when it was time to relieve myself of my ungrateful burden, and I arranged myself in the correct position. After immense strain, one single near-black pebble was expelled, and sank like a stone. Its splash rose and landed dead center on my tenderest spot, but my relief at ridding myself of even the smallest part of that horrid mass made it all worthwhile.

I bravely continued my struggle until, one by one, each little rock passed on in its journey towards the sewer. Every one of them required a great heave to send it on its way, and every one gave me a watery reward upon landing in the bowl.

Finally, I was at peace, and my digestive tract sighed in relief. Never again, I thought.

Yet every few years since, a nagging thought manages to creep into my brain: could it possibly have been as bad as I remember? Then I know that the needs of science require that I give it another test, and I try, with perhaps a touch more moderation, to determine whether my imagination has exaggerated the memory over time.

It hasn't.

.
(Wed 14th Jul 2004, 6:33, More)

» School Trips

Residence Piss-Up
In my first year of university, a bunch of us in my residence decided to hire a yellow school bus and have a night out in the Big City an hour away. The bus driver, probably from the voice of experience, demanded a $50 deposit from us in addition to his fee, to guarantee that nobody would puke on the bus during the ride. Already being hardened drinkers, with no chance of losing our dinners, we laughed at him but had no choice but to cough up the cash.

We were well pre-loaded by the time the bus got there, and spirits were high as we set off down the highway. Naturally about 10 minutes into the journey the need to pee became urgent for most of us, and all kinds of inventive solutions were found for emptying our bladders, from empty beer bottles to condoms (which do quite a nice job of holding piss by the way). Eventually somebody asked the driver if he would stop as there was a desperate need for relief, and he pulled over.

It was a hilarious scene: a yellow schoolbus stopped on the side of the freeway, with about 30 of us dotted around the verge having a slash while a busy stream of traffic raced past. The girls ran for the bushes, but the boys couldn't be bothered and let loose in full sight.

Then back on the road and into the city, where we had a grand time in a bar with a 90-year-old piano player and his 70-year-old wife singing bawdy songs. It was great, and many beverages were enjoyed by all.

The way back, and many of us started to realize that being in a bouncing, vibrating bus while under the effects of some pretty serious alcohol consumption was not the most settling thing for the stomach. It didn't take long to discover that puking out the window led to streamers of nachos & pizza all down the side of the bus, a good part of which found its way back inside through the open windows further back. But being ever-resourceful, we found all kinds of ways to hide our condition from the driver -- we weren't going to lose our $50 deposit for anything.

Then one creative but green-at-the-gills young lady, remembering our pee-break on the way in, went up to the driver with a similar idea in mind. "Could you stop the bus please," she said, "I think I need to...."

BLEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH!!!!!

All over the floor next to the driver, splattering everybody nearby and causing a yellowish puddle to run up and down the aisle of the bus for the rest of the journey. And that set off most of the others who had managed to keep their jaws clenched up to that point as well. All in all it was quite a messy bus by the time we got home.

We didn't get our deposit back.

It was worth every penny.
(Sun 10th Dec 2006, 7:01, More)

» Unexpected Good Fortune

Near death experience
One evening I was driving along the highway in Ottawa, which is not only the capital of Canada, it is also the world headquarters of freezing rain in the winter. If you aren't familiar with freezing rain, it's what happens when the temperature is right around zero and falling rain turns to instant skating rink.

So there I was driving along the highway when all of a sudden I noticed the cars up ahead start sliding and weaving all over the place. "Not good," I thought -- I later guessed that the roads must have been salted to a certain point and then the salt trucks had gone off for another load. It was three lanes of pure ice.

I managed to slow the car as much as possible while avoiding another car to my right that was drifting in my direction. Another car went across inches in front of me and hit the median, while a third veered into my lane from the other side. Somehow in the huge pileup of about 20 cars I managed to slip through completely unscathed -- the last thing I saw was a big transport truck barreling up behind before I accelerated out of there; I didn't look back to see the end result.

The road was nice and clear of traffic after that.
(Mon 18th Sep 2006, 7:02, More)