b3ta.com user Ulic
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My hobbies are dull.

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» Dad stories

Seldom shaken, never stirred
Popped round to mum and dad's one time and he is in the hallway, adjusting his dress shirt and bow tie in the mirror.
U: Sorry dad, didn't realise you were going out, I'll get going.

D: No son, Goldfinger is about to start; gotta make an effort for Sean.

And he did indeed sit watching Mr Connery with the full suit and boot on. I believe he has too much time on his hands.
(Mon 29th Nov 2010, 13:40, More)

» The Police

Good boy rover
Cousin of mine out pissed up with his mate, and find a road bypass building site. They borrow the road roller and trundle along on to the road as they can't be arsed to walk home. Blue lights everywhere, and they're nicked. Walking back to the van, and cousin does a runner accross a field with his hands cuffed behind him. By this time a dog unit has arrived, and they set a dog after him. Just as it catches up to him, he tries his luck, turns around and shouts SIT! and the dog did just that. He starts pissing himself laughing as he wasn't expecting it to work. He is re-arrested as he can't get up from laughing. All the way to the station all he kept repeating was "your dog's shit" until he got a kicking for his troubles.
And the result of the night: my cousin gets convicted for being "Drunk in charge of a carriage", which was the first time it had been used in the county for 80 odd years. (no number plates, so can't count as drink-driving, but the coppers searched through the rule book as they had to get the cheeky fucker for something)
(Thu 22nd Sep 2005, 16:04, More)

» Essential Items

A railway ticket to Paddington from Gloucester dated 05/10/1999 in my wallet
Woke up to get my usual 6:30 ish train, when the missus wakes up with the raging horn and postpones me for half an hour, meaning i have to get the later train.
We reach Reading and have to stop as there has been an "incident" ahead. The train i was meant to be on had crashed badly, and the carriage i usually sat in was towards the front where some of the 31 dead had been.
So the moral of this item is:If she wants nookie in the morning, don't turn her down to avoid being late.

It also doubles up as a season ticket free pass for a quickie in the morning
(Tue 1st Nov 2005, 14:03, More)

» My first love

Lisa Whitney, aged 5, i walked past the girls' toilets at school
she called me, lifted her skirt and flashed her fanny at me.*

12 years later i started going out with her, and we've now been together for 13 years with 2 kids: awww, bless.

But what she doesn't know is that i already had the horn for Barbara Windsor's bum in Carry on Henry. It made my willy stick up and everything.

*British fanny, but the yank version would have been allright as well.
(Fri 21st Oct 2005, 20:01, More)

» Dad stories

Jump starting my first car for the god knows which time, he handed me back the jump leads without me paying attention. The jump leads still connected to his large batteried car and I let them touch by accident.
I went into a rictus and couldn't pull them apart.
D: What you doing now you stupid sod?
U: E-E-E lec-tro-cu-cu-tiingggg
He just casually undoes them from his car.
D: Well bloody don't!
(Mon 29th Nov 2010, 13:47, More)
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