» Too much information

Things I know about my parents
* My dad does not like being buggered. In his words "I tried that, and I'm definitely not gay."

* Conversely, my mum "had an intense lesbian relationship" as a teenager with her best friend.

* My mum once "accidentally" wanked off our cat. (She swears she was rubbing its tummy really fast.)

* For his 40th birthday, Dad was given a novelty g-string with an elephant's trunk on it, and a pair of socks featuring a naked spread-eagled woman with bobble-knitted 3D boobies and the words PARTY NAKED. He entertained us for the remainder of the evening wearing nothing but these items.

* When having an innocent phone conversation about life in general, mum asked how things were going with my boyfriend, and jovially inferred I would be getting much amazing rumpo. To this I responded "Er, I'm on, actually." She replied "Oh, don't you do it during your period? The last time your father and I did it it was *very* red."

grandmasterfluffles' mum probably beats my parents hands down (her pants), but I could have lived without knowing my parents' menstrual habits.
(Wed 12th Sep 2007, 14:35, More)

» Other people's diaries

Not a diary as such
but involves a woman and masturbating so will get votes.

My mother has an irritating habit of cleaning up my stuff whenever she visits. (I LIKE THE FUCKING MESS. IF IT BOTHERED ME I WOULD CLEAN IT UP.) After she left from her last visit I found my bed made, my fluffy pink elephant I've had ever since I was one propped up on the pillows, and my big black shiny vibrator clutched in its little pink arms.
(Thu 8th Feb 2007, 11:36, More)

» Job Interviews

Oooh... yeah... baby...
I once went for a job as a video editor - fuck knows why as I had no experience whatsoever, but the ad must have said no experience necessary. At this time in my life I had almost no job experience at all, and was doing the groovy unemployed artist thing of being up til 2am, sleeping in til 2pm and producing a 'zine every couple of months. Since these 'zines were quite good if I say so myself, I put them in my resume folder as examples of my self-taught desktop publishing and editing skills.

Unfortunately, the nice video editor man wanted to look at my samples closely, which was never my intention. On opening my beautifully presented 'zine, he was confronted with a story that began with the following paragraph:

"I gasped as I felt a truly amazing orgasm grip my crotch and wrench it into the air, forcing from me incoherent, atavistic grunts of pleasure. "I want to hear you," my friend whispered in my ear, "I want to hear you come, and feel your cunt squeezing my fingers." I valiantly obliged, at an appropriate volume."

The poor man's face froze. Interview ended soon after.
(Sat 22nd Jan 2005, 11:33, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

classic


(This was for the Australian Federal election a couple of years ago. I'd like to thank the producers of Alien Vs. Predator for releasing their film at such an opportune time.)
(Sun 6th May 2007, 6:42, More)

» Strict Parents

TV
My parents were fairly trusting folk. However, there were two TV shows I was explicitly forbidden to watch.

The Brady Bunch and Charlie's Angels.

Because, said my dad, "They're shit".
(Fri 9th Mar 2007, 2:43, More)