» Going Too Far

Oh and also my wedding.
My husband has a friend who likes to make people uncomfortable for his own amusement- saying creepy sexual things to girls in front of their boyfriends, for example. I have been a target repeatedly. I'll call him "Asshat."

The last straw was when Asshat said "hey, look" in an innocent voice, and I stupidly looked, and for a split second saw his rather puny balls.

At my wedding.

I and the groomsmen beat the shit out of him. Me still in my wedding gown. While my husband held his face in dirt. Ah, that's my man.

Sorry, this turned suddenly romantic.
(Fri 10th Nov 2006, 23:45, More)

» Shit Stories

shit history
when i was a very small child in my crib, my mother awoke one morning to find i'd taken a huge shit and painted the entire crib, top to bottom (including myself) with it. (this from the same kid who upturned a milk crate and used it for a potty in the living room.) although i don't remember, i'm certain her screams of horror shook the neighborhood.

"and that's when i knew, you were going to be an artist." she likes to say.
(Wed 5th May 2004, 23:50, More)

» Going Too Far

Fan damage
In college my best friend and I lucked into a great dorm, with a private bathroom, a huge living room with a ceiling fan, and even a patio with glass doors. Needless to say we didn't move out until graduation. Even more needless to say that we fucked everything up before leaving.

Item the first: the ceiling fan. We got the genius idea one day to toss a piece of candy at it while it spun- fantastic. Made a great noise and scattered everywhere. Next was a handful of candy. Then plastic cups, and stuff off of our desks, and okay eventually it turned into cheese slices, rocks, empty boxes, pillows, electronic items and the crowning glory: a whole box of wet tampons. They stuck like fucking madness.

Item the second: Patio. We coated it in shaving cream. Repeatedly. Along with the Resident Director's windows. We had to wash them in the middle of the night, standing on one another's backs to be tall enough, and completely silent. Then we built a scarecrow and propped him up, added a blowup doll, a ratty wig, some streamers, and a rickety ladder that we snuck booze up and down. It all rotted there in the rainier months.

Eventually the living room ceiling fell in. But this was not our fault ! It was a happy accident of a burst pipe. Nobody ever saw our damage. College staff apologized profusely for the poor state of our carpets and appliances and replaced everything.

We took it way too far, but who would know ?
(Fri 10th Nov 2006, 23:39, More)

» Worst Record Ever

anti-mood song
there's this horrid droning trance-like song that just features a girl's voice saying over and over again "i don't love you, i don't really love you". i'd just woken up next to my bf, and we were snuggling, getting out of bed, talking, and this $*$# song on the radio keeps droning "i don't love you". worst mood-breaker ever.

best part is, he works at that station sometimes, so he went in an hour later and took it right off of the roation for me. now that's love.

also, the bar across the street played "like a stone" by audioslave EVERY SINGLE NIGHT at exactly 1:35 for two entire months. i used to consider going over there with a bat.
(Tue 2nd Dec 2003, 18:05, More)

» Impromptu Games You Play

box hockey
the cleaning staff in my building are up much earlier than i and my roommate are. our dorm room is directly beside the loading dock-type area, and it's also where they crush the cardboard boxes after deliveries, etc. one morning at seven am they were doing the lodest curhsing i've ever heard, plus they seemed to be throwing the boxes around and yelling. "what the fuck is that ? cardboard box hockey ?" i and my roommate swore.

later that day we took the crushed boxes and created our own very strange box hockey. it involved stacking up the boxes, passing a single box around, kicking, and you get to body-slam people into the pile of boxes. so much fun.

later that week, it became our favorite term to use in place of sex. hence, "playing box hockey" is a really good lay.
(Mon 29th Mar 2004, 17:30, More)