b3ta.com user AgentMuu
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The Clothes Pin
(Stop Motion) - 2:50

Recent front page messages:

You won. Okay...?! it's just a GAME!

(Fri 4th Sep 2009, 9:11, More)

wait. WHAT? this got FP'd? dear gracious!
(Mon 5th May 2008, 5:00, More)

fluffy circus!

(Sat 17th Dec 2005, 20:46, More)


(Thu 6th Oct 2005, 19:29, More)

have some simple fluff fresh from the oven

(Fri 10th Jun 2005, 1:57, More)

(Tue 31st May 2005, 19:43, More)

awww, look at the little bugger.

2nd version
/first FP ever! thank you so much! i can die a happy man now :)

(Sat 26th Mar 2005, 1:54, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Abusing freebies

Went to a little hole-in-the-wall bar called "Rocket to Venus" in Baltimore
nice place, low key, great food, good beer selection.

Went to the bar and saw on the counter that about every third seat there were small cups full of little white/green pellets. "Mints!" thinks I. Like a child dipping his hand in a bowl of gumdrops, I swipe about 10 or so and stuff them into my mouth.

No, no. They were wasabi pellets.

My friends stare at me and I try my hardest to just pretend they were mints, but they keep staring, until finally it becomes too much and I forcibly spit them onto the floor beneath my stool, making a right mess.

Most likely a regular occurrence, the bartender just gave me a wet rag and told me to clean it up.

"Plenty of people make the same mistake with just one, but I've never seen such well-punished greed" he mused.
(Tue 13th Nov 2007, 22:22, More)

» Have you ever seen a dead body?

the only dead bodies i've seen are those of relatives at funerals, and then when I was too young to be able to respond thoughtfully
So I asked my girlfriend (non-b3tard) for a good story from her morgue days (she worked in a morgue in Ireland, which accounts spectacularly for her sense of humor and generally bubbly personality).

"Which story do you want - the perfect murder story or the necrotic leg story?"
"Necrotic leg! Necrotic leg!" I squeal.

"So there was this fat guy... I mean FAT... like wobbles like jell-o when he walks fat... and he's diabetic. His insulin needle breaks off in his leg... and he doesn't go to the doctor for it, not even when the needle traveled deeper into his leg. So the leg gets infected, necrosis sets in, and he dies because necrotic tissue reaches his brain."

"now... the entire body is in stage 2 decomposition, which is normal for a fat dude who's been dead for a week. The leg, however, is in stage 5, which means all the fat has liquefied..." (cue me wincing and throwing my half eaten sandwich in the garbage)

"Well, removing foreign objects is part of the procedure, so we X-ray it... and this is a LOT of fat, his skin is barely containing it... so we make an incision where the needle out to be... and the skin falls apart. There's no way to find this needle. So we spend the better part of an hour, jabbing and prodding a green and liquefied leg with a pair of tweezers, until we got that goddamned needle out. At this point my scrubs are covered in death goo, and I need to use a shit ton of vinegar before I can get the smell out and go to work at the bookstore. Even then, people gave me funny looks."

Length? She can tell you all about that too.
(Fri 29th Feb 2008, 2:38, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

on a dare, my mate rob put IcyHot on his scrotum
this took place at uni; i wasn't there for the dare or the application of said IcyHot to said ballsack, but i did see him from within my dorm room, running down the hall full speed toward the bathroom, holding his pants at his knees, screaming like a wounded piglet. cue a minute later, the anguished scream "SOAP MAKES IT WORSE! SOAP MAKES IT FUCKING WORSE!"

our resident assistant made a "community activity" out of it and had everyone involved sign their names on an attendance slip. it's framed in his room now.
(Thu 13th Jul 2006, 22:56, More)

» Have you ever seen a dead body?

Back by popular demand is my girlfriend the former morgue employee
from here

After asking her for her best morgue stories, this is what she deemed the "Perfect Murder" story...

Her: "The perfect murder story was a woman's body washed up in Lady's Island Lake... we were pretty sure she had been raped but we couldn't be sure, because the entire body was soaked in bleach. For at least a day."
Me: "Fucking hell"
Her: "Her eyelids had been sitting in bleach so long that they had become almost transparent, even when they were closed you could see her irises."
Me: "Fuck me! Agh!"
Her: "And this is the best part; the SAE kit was inconclusive, because she had been subjected to a delightful post mortem douche. There wasn't a spot of evidence on her because the bleach ate it all away."

Finally I gave the typical b3ta-male response: "Man, rape takes a lot of effort."

Her response: "It was disturbing and horrible. But eerily beautiful."

Sometimes I wonder about her.
(Tue 4th Mar 2008, 6:00, More)

» Professions I Hate

Human Resources
They're not there to assist workers - they're there to assist managers in building cases against workers to keep them in line or get them fired. They wear fake smiles and are always so interested in how you're doing. Fuck em, they exist to maintain the bureaucratic hierarchy that makes modern corporations so successful (at the expense of their workers' individuality and self-respect). If any of you lot work in HR, I apologize, but I've yet to meet an HR worker I like.
(Sun 30th May 2010, 19:30, More)
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