» Crappy Prizes

7 year old malt
When i was 7 I won a bottle of Whisky in the raffle that was run in my uncles pub. My father took it off me.

When I was 24 I won a 5ft high teddy bear at a fair. I gave that to my little cousin.

I really need to start entering competitions that are appropriate for my age.
(Fri 5th Aug 2005, 11:11, More)

» Puns

A man starts a job at a zoo
A bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank.

So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank.

Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to the top. "Sh*t!" thinks our man, first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits, what am I going to do? He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything.

Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the fence where it is devoured by the lions.

He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! a lump of turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game.

Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage - splat! goes another turd, and splat! another makes a direct hit. For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2 monkeys, killing them stone dead.

"Sh*t and double sh*t!" thinks our man, look what I've done now, what am I going to do? So he thinks to himself, the lions worked last time maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they? He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs then over the fence where they are promptly devoured by the lions.

Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks what wants doing next. Where he is told to collect the honey from the Amazonian killer bees. He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive when a bee stings him, then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he lashes out with the honey soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp. "Sh*t, Not Again!!!" he thinks and as you might have guessed the lions eat anything, so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where they are devoured by the lions.

The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions.

"Hello" he says.

"Alright" say the other lions

"What's it like here then?" asks the new lion

"Not bad" say the other lions

"Food ok?" enquires the new lion

"Yeah, brilliant, yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 16:13, More)

» Pet Peeves

i will smash you in the face
if i hear you say the word arks (or however it is spelt)instead of the word ask.
(Mon 5th May 2008, 11:48, More)

» Birthdays

Valentines
My birtday is on valentines day. Every fucking year since I ahve been born. Why couldnt it be one of those moveable feasts like easter. Inevitably get cards on b'day, usually not valentine cards though boo.

Scenario 1

ivebeenhigh is single, so all his coupled mates are out being romantic with thier other halves, so the only people that celebrate are miserbale single people who are desperate for a shag as its valentines.

Scenario 2

ivebeenhigh is not single, cue gf and the "I know its your birthday but its my day too" line, so i end up having to buy someone else a present on my birthday, make a fuss over her and not see any of my mates.

Everyone always says "oooh a valentines baby" like its some good thing. its not. its shit.
(Thu 15th Dec 2005, 10:25, More)

» Phobias

my friend b
is pretty odd. wonderful. but pretty odd. and has lots of phobias (daffodils???). but her oddest is probably brushes.

thats right brushes

all shapes all sizes from tooth brushes to all the way up road sweepers.

she has made me buy her a tooth brush before as she cant stand to see lots of them all at once. she has to brush her teeth with her eyes closed. she will cross the road if she sees a man brushing the road. she lives in mortal fear of road sweepers. even talking to her about brushes sets her off. she wont watch basil brush as she doesnt like the association to the word and even that might make her sick. its hilarious.

she also has a fear of pigeons (in fact pecking birds in general) once walking down the road with her she saw a few pigeons on the pavement in front of her so ran across the road to where a man was sweeping the road (a pigeon/brush pincer movement if you will) she instinctively ran away from the brush into the pigeons who flew up all around her. she screamed in panic. i cried with laughter.

i am going to carry out a test on her right now. i will email her a photo of a brush but name the file kitten.jpg. ill post back here with the response.
(Fri 11th Apr 2008, 13:38, More)