» Bastard Colleagues

Spock Lives
Ahh Stephen, a bastard, and lazy with it.
We needed a new developer, so interviews were had, technical questions were asked and Stephen was employed...
He didn't turn up on his first day (bad sign one)
So boss rang him and found he'd not found anywhere close to live and still lived hundreds of miles away (we should have sacked him then).
Turned up on Tuesday and was given a bit of self contained work to complete, our senior developer had said it should take two days, so Stephen was given until the end of the week.
Didn't turn up on his third day.
My boss called him (never the other way round) and found the driving had been too much, so he was going to spend the day finding somewhere new to live. My boss told him to sort that out this week and start over on Monday.
Friday I'm asked to call Stephen, and find out if he'll be in on Monday. He still hasn't found anywhere, I ask his budget and find him several places to visit over the weekend.
He arrives on Monday and as far as I'm aware starts working away. He is however always on the phone, attempting to find better accommodation.
Friday arrives and boss calls Stephen in and asks how he's doing. Stephen has "almost finished" but asks if he can show it all working on Monday. Monday comes and goes, as does Tuesday, we other drones persuade Stephen to join us for lunch (a walk to the sandwich shop) we get half way there when he runs to a phone box and stays there, on the phone for 20 mins.
Friday comes and boss, who used to develop himself asks if he can see Stephen's progress, and if he needs it potentially help. Stephen graciously declines this offer and says he'll show boss everything on Monday.
Stephen starts arriving exactly 30 mins late and leaving 30 mins early.
Stephen starts making coffee just for himself.
Monday rolls round, as does Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.
On Friday boss calls Stephen in and asks to see his work, when Stephen pleads to wait boss says "This has stopped being funny, and show me the work or I'll give you a verbal warning." Stephen accepts the written warning.
I find out Stephen's Password is Spock Lives.
Monday occurs and boss has talk with IT director re: Stephen.
Wednesday IT director and boss call Stephen in to the office. Boss - "Show us what you have been working on or here is a written warning."
Stephen - "I'll take the written warning."
IT director - "Seriously just show us what you've been working on."
Stephen picks up written warning and walks out.
We discover that Stephen is late because he's working as a cleaner in the mornings to pay the rent on his house.
We find out Stephen has 13 Chinchillas.
Friday comes round, this is officially the last day of Stephen's probationary period. Boss and IT director call Stephen in and give him the option of showing what he's been doing for the last 3 weeks (we've all noticed him coding) or he'll be asked to leave.
He said "Fair enough" and left.
It ended up good for me though, I got his computer, when going through the recycle bin I found two vbs files, containing a half finished novel set between Star Trek 2 and 3 entitled Spock Lives.
Epilogue
Head of HR decided that he hadn't been sacked properly so he was paid for the next 3 months, and then they failed to stop paying him so he ended up with 5 months pay for writing a rather poor Sci-Fi novel.
Sorry about the length, you'd have been sorrier if I'd posted the novel.
(Thu 24th Jan 2008, 14:30, More)

» Losing Your Virginity

With my English teachers bra on...
At an after play party at my English teachers house. It was revealed that some of the male members of the cast had promised to turn up in drag.
Not wanting to be left out I swapped clothes with one of the girls in the play, she informed me that I was now wearing her mother's, my other English teacher's, bra.

As the night wore on some people headed for home, I found myself a place to sleep that seemed comfortable, a young lady joined me and after much snogging and some fumbling she knowing a lot better than me she basically jumped me.

I was trying to be quiet as two other friends of mine were in the room. One of them took it upone himself to time my performance.

In the morning myself and my now girlfriend discovered we'd been sleeping in the dog's bed.

Who else can claim to have lost their virginity wearing their English teacher's bra in another English teacher's dog basket while a "mate" timed you.
(Fri 4th Mar 2005, 14:48, More)

» Pathological Liars

My middle name
My middle name is shared with a famous (ish) admiral who died in 1810. It was also my paternal Grandfather's middle name and his Father's and his Father's etc. All the way back to 1810 as said Naval gentleman only had daughters... So each of the daughters gave their first born sons this as a middle name, and the tradition continued to my Grandfather, who hating the name didn't give it to my Dad.
My Dad because he's like that gave it to me.
I related this story to many people, I purchased a framed picture of the Admiral I found in a junk shop I was quite proud when I found schools and towns also named after the man.
At my 21st birthday I was regaling an audience with the above tale when my Grandfather pointed out that it wasn't quite true. That in fact his Mother had "fancied" a Major in the first world war who shared as surname with said Admiral and told my Great-Grandfather the load of rubbish you see above so she could name my Grandfather after the Major.

I think I prefer the story now.
(Thu 29th Nov 2007, 15:58, More)

» Job Interviews

Best and Worst
My best was simply:
Walked into the room full of beers ready for the Christmas party.
int: Here have a beer, and can you start next week.

First job out of Uni pc support for a warehouse. I stayed for 6 months before I needed more money.

Worst interview

int:So you're here for the PHP role
me:No support
int:But we're not interviewing for a support role
me:I think the agency may have made a mistake.
int:But your cv says PHP on it
me: errm no
int: doesn't it

Went on like that for a while, needless to say I didn't get the job
(Fri 21st Jan 2005, 14:44, More)

» Childhood bad taste

Well my first Album
First album - Soundtrack to the Lost Boys (Not too bad)

Second album - Hammer don't hurt them MC hammer (Oh dear)

Third album - The Simpsons sing the Blues (It didn't get much better after that)

What was worse, my mates all knew how sad Mc Hammer was I'm not sure I ever actually listened to the tape.
(Fri 10th Dec 2004, 16:05, More)