b3ta.com user garfi3ld
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IT tech support. Turned my hobby into my job... try not to touch PCs when I get home. Day-shift.

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» Airport Stories

A nice relaxing holiday all in all .... was waiting in the airport for the flight home and walked past a charity collection bucket thing.

Arrrgh arrrgh arrrgh arrrgh arrrgh arrrgh arrrgh arrrgh arrrgh arrrgh arrrgh arrrgh arrrgh arrrgh arrrgh... ad inf


(Fri 3rd Mar 2006, 13:07, More)

» Best Comebacks

Difficult to explain in text - North vs South comeback
Here goes:

As I grew up in the North I pronounce certain things differently. Certain pedants/enforcers of "Queen's English" don't like this.

Common examples are - BATH, PATH, DANCE, GRASS

Which in the South are pronounced with a long vowel. e.g. Baa-TH (like a sheep "baa") or Paa-TH. In the North the vowel sound is short, so PATH has the same "A" sound as "PAT".

Anyway if you are still awake, it goes like this:

Southerner: "Learn to speak properly, it's Daa-NCE not DANCE or Paa-TH not PATH."

Northerner: "Shut up you Twaa-T"
(Thu 29th Apr 2004, 15:00, More)

» Have you ever been dumped in a spectacular way?

not me...
but my partner's brother managed to dump someone, literally. Whilst on the way home he was having an argument with his then current girlfriend. Conveniently at the side of the road there was a large skip outside a house being renovated.

Instead of continuing to bicker he simply picked her up and placed her in the skip. Doesn't really require further comment.
(Fri 18th Jun 2004, 7:51, More)

» Shit Stories

McDonalds was kind enough to give my mate (who owned a shop) a discount card for his staff that offered free drinks/fries with a burger. Also one month there was a 2 Big Macs for £2 offer on the back of bus tickets. You could just pick up a discarded one near a bus stop.

Obviously we ate more burgers and fried food than is good for any human being on several occasions that month. Being suitably full I decided to use the toilets.

...and to my horror someone had stuffed the toilet with a brown takeout bag. Placed a big mac on top of this, but removed the burgers and replaced them wih a turd for all to see (with gherkin on top).

I have rarely felt as sick as I did then!
(Thu 6th May 2004, 14:26, More)

» Dad Jokes

My dad has loads of em!!!!
The worst period had to be when he went into hospital and someone bought him a "1001 Jokes" book. He kept sending me and my g/f jokes on text for a week... it wasn't funny. He once told me the guy who cheated on millionaire had died due to stress "ITV were going to pay for the funeral but not the coffin" *groan*

Although (speaking of periods) the most embarrasing joke he told in front of me and friends might amuse you:

Q: What do you get if you put your hand up Mystic Meg's skirt?

A: Your palm read once a month. *tish*
(Wed 10th Dec 2003, 8:50, More)
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