Right then, you put the kettle on and I'll invade Iraq...

To me! To you!
(Fri 21st Nov 2003, 20:29, More)

» Clients Are Stupid

ready meal moron, runny poo woman
I once worked in a frozen food supermarket and had to help a customer who was looking for frozen LASANGE.

I took him to the ready meals section and pointed out the Lasagne.
"No no no," he said "That's Lasagne, I want Lasange" I tried to point out that his wife had made a spelling mistake on his shopping list but he was having none of it, so I told him the Lasange would be in next week. He never returned

All manner of bottom-feeders shopped there including the woman who suffered a bout of explosive diahorrea in the middle of the veg aisle and continued shopping with fresh cack running down her legs.
(Wed 31st Dec 2003, 11:51, More)

» Pure Ignorance

At the cinema donkey's years ago...
...sitting watching Raiders of the Lost Ark, behind me were a mum and her daughter who talked loudly throughout the whole film.

At one point the girl went off to the loo, during which time Indy had found the Ark of The Covenant (audience goes "Ooooh!"). When the girl came back the following conversation happened;
Girl: "Mum, what's happened?"
Mum: "They've found the Ark of the Covenant, love."
Girl: "Oh..." pause... "What's that, then?"
Mum: "It's a bit like Noah's Ark."
Girl: "Oh..." pause... "Where are the animals?"
(Tue 11th Jan 2005, 19:50, More)

» Stupid Tourists

driverchris:
"Loughborough
Hmmmm, WTF are all these American tourists supposed to be going there for?

I smell porky pies."

Naah, mate. That'll be nearby Melton Mowbray...
(Fri 8th Jul 2005, 15:06, More)

» Local Nutters

Peterborough - bush shelter nutter
There's Nobby who's lived in a local bus-shelter for about ten years (think of an anorexic Hagrid after a particularly long bout of explosive diahorrea). He smells so bad that the bus company gave him the bus shelter to live in and built a replacement bus-stop a few yards down the road so that bus-users could queue in fresh air. Nobby's bus shelter is packed full of duvets, sleeping bags, carrier bags, suitcases and myriad other item-conveying articles (no shopping baskets or trolleys though).
.
Every Christmas Day the local residents pop around to give him Christmas dinner; Xmas Pud, crackers, the lot. He's often seen wandering around the town centre with a tinselly paper hat on well after Boxing Day. The local council & police force are so sick of trying to force him to move on that they just ignore him now.
.
The local paper once convinced him to have a wash, shave off his massive, matted beard and get a half-decent haircut (I pity the poor bastard who got lumbered with cropping that lice infested matted rat's nest of a hairstyle) and then dressed him in Pringle stuff and made up a story about him playing in the Open Golf Tournament at St Andrews (cue big fuck off front-page photo of Nobby swinging a 4 iron, his empty four-packs of Tennant's Extra & 20,000 carrier bags conveniently cropped out of the shot) .
.
I've seen him wander around town collecting cigarette butts and yowling like a Tasmanian Devil at the top of his voice at anyone who walks within 20 feet of him.
(Fri 17th Sep 2004, 16:04, More)

» Breakin' The Law

Netto brand Policeman, 16ptn BFG
I have never had any run-ins with the proper law. However, I have had the Lidls/Aldi version - a run in with a special constable.

After an enjoyable evening at the local cinema I was preparing to drive us to the local McDonalds for a post-film nosh-up. Started up the car, started to pull away when a car opposite us - a manky white Morris Ital - flashed his lights at me. It was dark, my lights weren't on but the carpark was very well-lit. I ignored the chap's flashing and proceeded towards the cinema car-park exit. The chap's light flashing became more and more urgent so I gave him a cheery one fingered salute of recognition. Big mistake.

We left the carpark, I flicked on the headlights and carried on towards McD's noticing that the manky white Ital was following us very closely and flashing his lights. I pulled into McDonald's car park and this prick of a bloke screeched to a halt beside me, leaped out of his car (and motioned for his kids and friend to do the same) then swaggered his fat arse over to my car and motioned for me to roll down my window. He gave me a right bollocking, the self-important tosser. When I questioned his authority to actually have a go at me: "You're not a real copper and you're not on duty, so you've got no right to pull me up," the smug twat pulled out his "Special Constable" ID card, flashed it at me and his entourage and boasted "I AM a proper policeman, just not a full time one. Next time watch the handsignals, sunshine, or there'll be trouble." Then he swaggered off to McD's, satisfied that he had impressed his two scruffy kids and twat of a mate with his third rate law enforcement, the smug cunt.

Actually I was stopped for speeding through town once. Late at night after 13 hours at work. I was tailed & pulled over by a police motorbike. Luckily I was wearing a business suit, so I looked pretty respectable. I also had a cold, which I cunningly exaggerated to the point of terminal influenza. The copper asked me what I was doing driving so fast so late at night, I explained I had been at work since "5am" and had spent an hour on the road driving home.
"Where do you work?" he asked.
"Bejams. In Cambridge," I replied.
"Oh. Right. Do you sell Black Forest Gateaux at Bejams?" he replied. "Only it's my wife's birthday the day after tomorrow..."
I got off with a friendly word of warning, possibly because of my expert advice on defrosting 16 portion cakes in time for forgotten spouses birthdays...
(Thu 8th Jan 2004, 16:58, More)