» Best Graffiti Ever

Chips n condoms
A mate of mine told me about this legendary chippy years ago. On the side of the building someone had sprayed "HIP HOP DON'T STOP", which had been amended to "CHIP SHOP DON'T STOP"

I used to work in a pub, and some guy had scrawled on the condom machine, under the notice "Conforms to British safety standard BS123455678" - "SO DID THE TITANIC"

Chuckle? I almost did
(Fri 4th May 2007, 10:14, More)

» Blood

Wasps
I hate the little fuckers, always have. Years ago in my student flat, I spotted a 'skinhead of the insect world' buzzing around my lounge. "Right", I decided, "Time to face up to my fear and kill one". So I took some newspaper, and when the evil bastard was on the window, I splattered it on the glass. While putting my hand through the glass. It wasn't the action of putting my hand through the window that caused the damage, it was pulling it back (automatic reaction) via the jagged bits of glass. Severed 2 arteries

You know in films when you see blood spraying? That's exactly what happens. And it makes that hissing sound too. I panicked, and ran upstairs to get help, spraying blood everywhere. No one in. Fuck. I ran outside and luckily my nieghbour was working on his car and got me to A&E. Fuck knows what would have happened if he hadn't been there.

My flatmates got back to what they later described as "something from a slasher pic". I had sprayed arterial blood all over our flat, up the stairwell and all over the front door. They all freaked. The worst thing about this? The pathetic small scar, thanks to the handiwork of the NHS.

Length? About 4 foot and it hit the wall.
(Fri 8th Aug 2008, 10:22, More)

» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

Spray
Put my hand through my lounge window a few years back, hit 2 arteries. You have never seen anything like blood spraying from an open wound at high pressure. The memory of the sound alone makes me shudder 10 years later. I decorated the whole of my flat, the stairwell and the front door with my own blood.

My flatmates came home to what literally looked like a bloodbath.

I lived (obviously)

Length? It travelled about 6 foot
(Fri 22nd Jun 2007, 15:24, More)

» Pet Peeves

Christ, where to start...
I could fill this entire QOTW with my own bitter rantings, but a few that spring to mind

1. Internet retards who can't spell. It's not fucking difficult. And anyone who types 'lol', 'rofl', 'ftw' etc etc should be shot in the face for the good of humanity

2. Adverts. I just hate them. I AM NOT BUYING YOUR CUNTING PRODUCTS

3. Tesco at the end of my road. They have organic lark's tongues, but no milk, eggs, bread etc. Cunts. In fact Tesco full stop. They are evil.

4. Ben Affleck. You are an actor. SO ACT MOTHERFUCKER. Why are you paid millions to do what a dribbling stroke victim could do more effectively

5. The Daily Mail. And everyone who reads it. I hope you all die

6. Anyone who likes happy house, funky uplifting house, hardcore, gabba etc etc. Look if you need to take 5 pills and 2 grams of ketamine to enjoy the music, doesn't that tell you something?

7. James Blunt

8. Cunts who buy up tickets for gigs before fans have a chance to get any, and then flog them on ebay.

9. Violence of any kind. Unless it is in a film/TV show/video game

10. Footballers/football. The over paid spoilt thick as pigshit players, the fans, the violence, the hype. FUCK OFF
(Fri 2nd May 2008, 12:45, More)

» Phobias

WASPS
'The skinheads of the insect world'

Aaaarrrgggh, horrible little fuckers, what purpose do they serve? Causing pain to people. At least bees have the good grace to die. And make honey. The sight of a wasp makes me squeal like a girl and run in the opposite direction. Being stuck in a car with one is my idea of utter hell. I fucking hate them. The one and only time I summoned the courage to try and kill one, it was on my lounge window and I put my hand through and ended up in hospital for weeks. Little yellow and black CUNTS. It just made my fear even worse.

Oh and heights. Even a small ladder will make me freak out and get dizzy. But things like rollercoasters are OK. I've figured out that it's to do with control: if I'm in charge and if any stumble means I plummet to my doom….that sets me off and I can barely move and have to be talked into coming down. But as long as I've got support (I'm strapped in, or there is a rail/wall), I'm OK. My missus once had to coax me down a massive long pathway cut into the side of a cliff in Capri in Italy - it started off wide and a gradual incline, but soon became a nightmare of broken steps and sheer drops. It took 2 hours for us to get down :(
(Fri 11th Apr 2008, 13:01, More)