» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

A lovely dinner
There was the time I thought it would be a good idea to take a couple of pills after an afternoon in the pub and just before heading off to a very posh dinner party with my gf. I'm told I refused to eat anything, knocked back a bottle of champagne before starters, drank straight from the water jug as the other guests looked on in horror, danced on my own in the living room (there was no music playing), ripped a hole in one of my hostess's fine linel napkins and wore it as a hat and talked utter bollocks to a tee-total guest (a city banker) about my love of gabba. Apparently I saved the best for last. When asked to leave at the end of the evening, I decided to exit the flat via the dining room window, which is on the third floor. My alarmed hostess sprang into action and attempted to wrestle me back in - an effort I rewarded by farting a big wet one right in her face. Amazingly, everyone forgave me.
(Fri 16th Dec 2005, 13:26, More)

» Foot in Mouth Syndrome

Ooops
I was at a very posh dinner party in Kensington with my new girlfriend and all of her incredibly snooty pals. One lad was dying for a ciggie so I galantly offered to 'run round to the Pakis and pick up 40 Malboro Lights'. The fact I'm of asian extraction myself and from Glasgow where the term is used in an offhand way, did nothing to detract from the embarrassed silence which ensued or the telling off I got later from my g/f.
(Thu 22nd Apr 2004, 13:50, More)

» Foot in Mouth Syndrome

Another one...
At another party full of strangers and distant aquaintances. So I'm chatting away to this lass who's a friend of a friend. Anyway, it's starting to die a little so I decide to throw out a conversational gambit. 'So, when's the baby due?' I ask brightly. "I'm not pregnant, just fat,' she replies deadpan. Imagine my embarrassment when a friend asks the girl exactly the same question half and hour later – making it look as though I've put him up to it.
(Thu 22nd Apr 2004, 21:19, More)