» Accidental innuendo

Carry On Cat-Basket
Swear on teh Interwebs, this actually happened.

I passed the awkward "don't-really-know-what-I-want-to-do" time after graduating and before getting a "proper job" by working as a phonemonkey / receptionist in my mate's veterinary surgery. We had comedy farmers, local crazies, inbred dog breeders - you name it, we supplied class-A drugs to it.

On one particularly damp day the waiting room was crowded with tetchy owners and sick pets. In strolls a nice old lady wearing a lovely Barbour mac, clutching a wicker cat basket. She squeezes into the only available seat, places her cage on the floor and loudly announces to the room: "Oh, I am sorry - can anyone smell my wet pussy?"

Silence. My eyes boggled, I choked and dropped to the floor behind the reception desk, unable to breathe for silent, huge body-shaking laughter. Eventually I recovered, only to scurry out back to the operating theatre, relate the tale and make all the mid-surgery vets choke and fall over. Classic.

*relurks*
(Fri 13th Jun 2008, 17:28, More)

» How I Skive Off Work

myself and another lurking b3tan...
used to work together where the unofficial motto was "if the shop's clean at the end of the day, and the customers aren't wildly unhappy, then do exactly what you like."
The main objective in the morning was to avoid being used as a till monkey- if successful, you were immediately promoted to customer service... and customer service = the best job in the entire world!
We used to set traps for each other involving sellotape trip wires, or sit in the stockroom having Nintendo championships... or type obscenities into the book ordering service and chuckle at the results.
My specialty was scattering security tags sticky-side-up all over the floors, then watch and snigger while customers protested their innocence, never thinking to check their shoes...
There was also the truly memorable day when I went to the staffroom only to find that he had built a fort out of boxes of stationery, and was busy defending it from "the enemy". It was like a Saturday club which you got paid for attending. Amazing. Their profits seem to have recovered since we both went to uni... but I don't think there's anything in it. :)
(Fri 29th Apr 2005, 9:37, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

harvard brainy trays
visiting clever boyf at harvard, I noticed that the trays in the graduates' cafeteria had various messages scrawled into the bottom right hand corner - including "tray of destiny", "tray of death" - and my personal favourite, "tray of zoltan"...

The messages became quite a popular conversation topic - betting on who would get which tray, what effect selecting the tray of destiny would actually have on the rest of your day etc - and their appearance always brightened up the meal.

Length? About 12in by 8in, green and plastic - enough for a large bowl of pasta, a brownie and a can of coke.
*relurks*
(Thu 3rd May 2007, 23:07, More)

» Pure Ignorance

a level physics student
Do cars burn petrol?
after the mirth had subsided, she confessed that she'd thought a system of petrol rivers and "waterwheels" kept the car running...
and this was in the second year of the course....
(Sat 8th Jan 2005, 18:57, More)

» Have you ever started a fire?

too cool for school
Not me, but some "school friends"... our brand new school was going through a spate of fire-drills and some geniuses in my year decided it'd be good to take things a whole stage further. They chose to go down in school history for writing "DEVIL" on the floor in deodorant and lighting it: cue burning letters, an amusingly scorched carpet, one terrified head teacher and a series of talks on devil-worship...
I guess that's the deep south for you... god bless sussex...
(Wed 3rd Mar 2004, 18:02, More)