» Lies Your Parents Told You

Bad Vibes
When I was about 12 I asked my Dad if he had any spare AA batteries that I could use for my walkman 'cos I couldn't find any.

He said yes, and I followed him upstairs to get the batteries.

he went digging into the top drawer of the bedside cabinet and unscrewed the green end of this predominantly orange ribbed thing.

"what's that dad?" i asked

"It's a joke carrot a friend gave me" he said, passing me the batteries.

a year later I needed some more batteries, and as my folks were out I thought I would go to the "battery drawer".

there were six vibrators and a pot of delay cream.

needless to say i shuddered, especially a few years later when my younger sister discovered the same....
(Fri 16th Jan 2004, 1:48, More)

» When were you last really scared?

Graveyards? Sea? yup.
Walking somewhat drunkenly home from the train station one late night I found myself getting a little jumpy (huge amounts of beer or what I dunno).

Anyways, as I approached my village (around midnight, nice) the fog started to roll in as it does now and then... not a problem.

Now at the end of my road there is St. Marys church with the pre-requisite boneyard, and as I approached my garden gate the shit hit the fan.

Out of the mist towards me comes this shuffling groaning bloke in pyjamas, head at an angle against his shoulder, crippled arm up. Groaning. Like Day of the Dead.

In a panic I flung open the gate, ran up to the door (all lights off as my family were away) and fumble with the lock to get my key in. Only for zombie-thing to appear in the corner of my eye shuffling up my neighbours drive-way a foot parallel to me. Stupidly I turned to look...

Only for him to snap round 90 degrees to groan at me again, head still cocked to one side/arm up at angle etc... then I got my door open.

Spent the next 5 minutes running around the house and checking everything is locked and every light is on... home alone for the night with zombie-thing somewhere outside.

With the hindsight of the next days sobriety I remembered... Coldeast mental hospital was about half an hours walk/shuffle away.

Length? About 1 entrail. But I shit you not.
(Thu 22nd Feb 2007, 17:22, More)

» Fire!

Speciulll Effekts
Ah... my good old NUS days.
Area conference at a certain Surrey art uni type thing, we're all sat around having a skinful at the bar... loadsa arty projections on the walls in the 'club' bit of it all.

A few rounds later of goggleness we all find ourselves admiring the 'fire' effect projection for a good 5 minutes or so...

Fricking projector was projecting it's own internal combustion.

Never seen so many piss heads move so fast.
(Fri 4th Nov 2005, 14:28, More)

» Pure Ignorance

Lost
The pub I work in sometimes is slap bang in the middle of Soho.

Every now and then some dumb-ass american tourist asks: "excuse me, but can you tell me how to get to Soho from here?"

me: "You're in Soho"

Cue blank stare and a very dissapointed "oh"

What were they expecting, Cabaret performers and strippers in the street? jeeeeeeezus
(Fri 7th Jan 2005, 9:43, More)

» Irrational Fears

K..... maybe not irrational but pretty screwed.....
when I was a kid I was scared of going to bed without a light on in case something came to get me and I couldn't run away. (Strangely this only applied to being in a house, I could cope with camping in the woods!) anyways....

When I was younger I was in my bunkbed and unknowingly fell asleep, but my dream followed straight on from me being bed (i.e. didn't realise i was asleep) and suddenly there was a power cut, the lights went out and all these dead people started crawling out of the floorboards. Just as they were about to reach me I woke up....

The lights were still on, I breathed a sigh of relief and......

THERE WAS A F****** POWER CUT.

Never got out from the top bunk or ran so fast in my life.... still can't sleep in the dark on me own tho :(
(Tue 27th Jan 2004, 19:19, More)