» When animals attack...

Parade of idiots
I was once a canvasser for a do-good group and I was knocking on doors in American suburbia. I was trying to sell my spiel at one house to a woman in curlers when her antisocial German Shepard hurled himself through the screen of the storm door and chomped onto my clipboard.

I was running down the street with the beast closing (I learned later he had three legs), and the dog's owner, in robe and curlers, was hoofing along behind, screaming, 'Bad dog, Cujo!"

My employers were just arriving in a station wagon to round me up and take me back to HQ. My nerdheimer boss jumped from the car and joined the parade, yelling, "Drop the clipboard, boy! Drop the clipboard!"

Eventually I reached that invisilbe line at which a dog turns back. I stood panting while he relieved my boss of his trousers.
(Sat 4th Jun 2005, 14:22, More)

» Shame

marked for girlie boy
When I was about sixteen I liked wearing stretchy black dress socks, but when I took them off my legs itched fiercely.

On a whim I tried shaving my calves (I am male) to see if that would change anything. A few days later, with the entire family gathered around the pool, my hyper-observant kid sister loudly asked why I shave my legs.

I don't! I insisted, fumbling for a better response.

This was right around the time I snapped my sister-in-law's brassier tie using it as a sling then left it on her table without comment.

I really ought to bring this up and see how many of my relatives secretly wonder.
(Tue 29th Nov 2005, 1:31, More)

» Jobsworths

Government Jobsworths are the most maggoty
I work for a skip rental firm and took a call one day from a code enforcement officer of a small town demanding a large licensing fee for the right to place our skips at our customer's worksites. It was akin to paying $500 for the right to rent you a vacuum cleaner once in a great while.

This crap man would not back down despite my cogent, pateint coaching designed to place him squarely back in the land of the free (I'm American). We soon received a written demand, with copies sent to every poobah in the district. Enclosed was a copy of the ordinance he cited.

It quickly emerged that the gentleman had not read his own ordinance, which merely required licensing for the right to dump skips in the town landfill, closed a few decades ago. What joy I took in my reply letter, tutoring him on both law and judgment, which of course was sent as well to every cleark and boardmember on the original distribution list. Not only did we never hear from him again; we recently had the opportunity to rent a skip to his neighbor across the road.

I live for opportunities to break these bastards on my wheel.
(Sun 15th May 2005, 2:12, More)

» Little things that turn you on

Maybe I should move to Britain
Pretty girls with bad teeth.
(Sat 19th Feb 2005, 15:03, More)

» Scars with history

The 13th Element
Back in high school, I was lighting my, erm, pipe, and a chunk of burning phosphorous flew off the match and burned a hole in my eyelid. After a short career naming how many fingers with my eyes closed, word got round, and I could no longer ogle the sexy bird in my social studies class without her knowing.
(Sat 5th Feb 2005, 20:04, More)