b3ta.com user Zapol
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THis is my profile. Yep. I'm rubbish at most things, but good at lurking.

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» Misunderstood

Hungry and stupid
The Polish words for "hungry" and "stupid" are similar if you're crap at the language like I was after just moving here. That is why, upon sitting down to eat with my fiancee's family, I said to her father (scary Polish ex-copper, who at the time was gripping his cutlery in anticipation of the impending feast):

"Are you stupid? I am, but I had a big breakfast so i'm probably not as stupid as you. You look very stupid."

:┬Čo
(Sun 9th Oct 2005, 23:09, More)

» Hidden Treasure

Hundreds & hundreds of bodies
When I were but a nipper, somebody decided to build a house on the vacant lad next to my parent's old gaff. I was messing about in the newly dug foundations when I tripped over something; after going back and kicking the object out of frustration and hearing a popping noise, I decided to investigate by having a wee dig. After about a minute it became obvious that it was bone, and then it became obvious that it was a human skull.

Long story short: pictish graveyard, over 300 bodies, one of the best examples ever found, and my picture in the Fife Free Press. Yay!
(Thu 30th Jun 2005, 22:14, More)

» My first love

Fiona Harrison
In Primary 5 (age 10) on a school trip to Ardroy, she sat next to me on the bus and proceeded to pin me down and vigorously lick my face. It turns out that in the innocence of youth this was her interpretation of a "frenchie".

She had been eating Quarterback crisps (remember them?) and my face smelled of them all the way to our destination.
(Thu 20th Oct 2005, 11:52, More)

» Injured Siblings

Me & my sister got on great
but she fucked me up a couple of times:

When I was 7 and she was 10 she called me over to where she was sitting at a fireplace. Upon my arrival she applied the red-hot fifty pence piece she'd been warming on the fire to my forehead before immediately running off. Mid-scream, I prised the coin off my forehead and lauched it at her; it missed by a fraction but scored a direct hit on the telly, shattering the screen and ensuring me a kicking from dad. As if that wasn't enough I had to wander round with the coin imprint (tails side if you're interested) on my head for 2 weeks.

The other time, I was 10 and she was 13, and I was sitting on the windowsill in her bedroom which was directly over a rickety old greenhouse. She came up to me and did that "boo!" thing where you pretend to push someone but don't. It scared me though and I lost my balance, falling backwards off the windowsill, through the greenhouse, and onto the tiled floor 20 feet below below.

The fall (or rather the landing) split my head open, knocked me unconscious, broke 2 ribs, and severed the artery in my left wrist. I nearly died and the whole episode very nearly ended with me being taken away by social services!
(Fri 19th Aug 2005, 14:06, More)

» School Sports Day

Peter Ness
Sports day was always fun at my old high school (Balwearie in Kirkcaldy), mostly because of Peter Ness. He was quite sporty and entered pretty much every event going, the participants of which were always announced beforehand over a tannoy by the deputy head, in the form of initial then surname.

The entire school (of almost 2000 kids) would laugh and point every time "P Ness" was announced. He never seemed to mind though.
(Thu 30th Mar 2006, 12:32, More)
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