b3ta.com user fr13day
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Drunk Fat Yorkshire Idiot. Fortunately.

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» Petty Sabotage

ladies bits, and the accidental sabotaging of
I once managed to hospitalise someone by irritating her chuff with fairy liquid. And in a non-filthy way too. You see, once, when several of the girls we lived with went out on the lash, Letch and I, being skint, sober and more than a little nasty, urinated into every toilet in the block (there was only four, we weren't urine supermen) and didn't flush them. We instead emptied washing up liquid into all the cisterns. And waited until several pissed up women came back, dying for a slash, moaned about scruffy bastard blokes not flushing, and then flushing and immediately sitting down to wee. The annoyance of these lasses when the toilets bubbled up from between their legs was only countered by one of them having to be taken to hospital when the detergent irritated her "lady-garden" which swelled up (to probably elephant-like proportions, but I can’t be sure) and became very, very painful.
But it was funny at the time. For everyone who heard about it to her immense displeasure.

Apologies about the length, language, amount of comma’s and stuff.
(Wed 4th May 2005, 18:26, More)

» God

Pityfully poor but, the time when...
...some Jehovahs Witness' children transferred to our school.
Cue the joke that I've only ever been able to use once....

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

Your mum and dad.
(Thu 19th Mar 2009, 22:58, More)

» Good Advice

My Grandad...
...once gave me this sage advice.

"There's two ways to treat women..."

....as he leant in closer to divulge....

"...and no-bugger knows either of them."
(Sat 22nd May 2010, 12:21, More)

» Awesome Sickies

Weak but true
My good friend Dirty Horse once had a week off from his job as a phone monkey in Leeds because he had sore lips. Thats it. Mildly chapped lips. And he phoned up and told them he wouldn't be coming in because of it. Genius.

And then during the summer, got up, dressed, drove through the appalling rush hour traffic to get to work just to decide he couldn't be arse and phoned up to say he was ill from the phone box directly outside his work.

His boss who took the call was watching him...

"...so I can't come in because I’m really ill..."

"...but isn't that you across the road on the payphone?..."

"...No, No, it's just someone who looks a bit like me..."

...and leaves the phone swinging as he scarpers up the street.

Never got sacked for it either.
(Wed 14th Jun 2006, 19:31, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

written upside down on the back of a door in the toilets of the student union bar in Bradford...

"help I'm upside down"
(Mon 7th May 2007, 17:16, More)
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