b3ta.com user Snitter the Rat
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» When animals attack...

Anonymous girl in St Ives
I remember once on holiday in St Ives - they have these signs up along the sea front "DO NOT FEED THE SEAGULLS" and loads of seagulls with attitude who will happily divebomb-raid people with food.

Cue this girl, she couldn't have been more than 10 or 11, on her way home from school with her tennis racket and an ice cream she's bought. This huge seagull flies down, snatches the ice cream out of her hand and lands on the sea wall fence to eat it.

The girl stared at it for a few seconds, then took her tennis racket, walked up to the thing and SMACKED it as hard as she could. It so wasn't expecting that, it barely managed to spread its wings before it hit the water, some thirty odd feet away.

Game, Set and Match!
(Sat 4th Jun 2005, 13:40, More)

» Jobsworths

Stagecoach Bus Drivers
Here's a good one for anyone who lives in an area Stagecoach have busses, and with their borg attitude that's most of the country by now.

One thing they really hate is issuing "Change Vouchers" - so I INSIST on it. Basically, they have to give you change but first thing in the morning they often don't have change for a twenty quid note, so they tell you to get off the foxcubbing bus so it doesn't hold them up. BUT, although most of the lazy bar stewards don't bother to read the foxcubbing manual, their ticket machines are capable of issuing a change voucher ticket, so if you give them a twenty quid note at 7:30 in the morning, for a 60p fare, they have to issue you a change voucher for the difference.

Extra points for the jobsworth expert. This is the person who then insists on their right to redeem PART of the change voucher for another bus ticket - this involves the driver getting out his manual to work out how to tell the ticket machine that the customer not only is paying for their 60p bus ride with a change voucher for £19.40 but also needs ANOTHER change voucher for the £18.80 they're still owed by the company.

Finally, ultimate points to the bastard who turns up at 4:59 at the main stagecoach office in the bus station demanding to redeem their change voucher for cash when there's bugger all left in the till, because it is their right so to do - thereby causing every stagecoach employee in the place to dip into their own pockets rather than have to unlock the safe or call supervisors etc.

To which you can cheerfully say, "Same time tomorrow then?" - I love stagecoach buses, I really do...
(Thu 12th May 2005, 14:47, More)

» When animals attack...

Horse Snot
When I was young and naive someone once told me that the best way to befriend horses was to breath up their nostrils.

I believed them. So, there was this great big stallion which had a reputation for kicking people, and I didn't want to be kicked, so I thought I'd make friends. I walked up to it, grabbed its head and blew firmly up its nostrils.

The horse looked most surprised for all of a second, and then SNEEZED explosively, and I can tell you, a horses nose, being rather big, can hold a LOT of snot.

Needless to say, after that covering I've not tried breathing up a horses nostrils since...
(Sat 4th Jun 2005, 13:21, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

Horse whisperer?
When I was young, my mom told me if you blew up a horses nostrils, it was horse for "let's be friends" and the horse would straight away be docile and allow me to ride it.

When I was older, I tried it. The horse sneezed all over me, and ran off. I was NOT impressed!
(Sun 18th Jan 2004, 11:55, More)

» Clients Are Stupid

Virus checkers are there for a reason
Having previously supplied a machine to a customer six months previously, complete with a popular antivirus package, I was somewhat surprised to receive a call saying they thought they had a virus, moreso when the behaviour they described was that displayed normally by the infamous MS Blast virus.

So, I decided on a site visit. The PC was UTTERLY riddled with viruses, in all I found around 430 instances of virus infection. Most puzzling of all, the virus checker itself appeared to have vanished without trace.

Not seeing it in Control Panel~add/remove I asked if it had somehow been uninstalled, and to my surprise the customer said yes, he'd uninstalled it. I asked why.

"Because it kept popping up this large RED box in the middle of the screen." He said. The only red box the package produced was the 'You have a virus - what do you want done with it?' dialogue. "I got annoyed when the box kept coming up, so I removed the antivirus package to make it go away."

Some people thrive on stupidity. I doubled my fee, and went home.
(Mon 29th Dec 2003, 23:58, More)
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