b3ta.com user Mr McKenzie
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Mr McKenzie has spent far too many manhours perusing this site, mostly on a Friday afternooon when he should have been working. Now that he works for himself, he still hasn't learnt his lesson and when he should be drawing witty cartoons he can be found hunched over at his computer giggling to himself like a loon. He replies to the QOTW occasionally but hasn't yet sent any illustrations in - maybe one day.

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Best answers to questions:

» How clean is your house?

She's done WHAT???
When I first left home, I moved in with a colleague's family which was nearer to work. This didn't really count as 'moving out' as I still had everything washed and cooked for me. The next place however, was different. I had a room in a shared house, shared kitchen, bathroom etc. The people seemed nice; I hardly ever saw Wayne upstairs but heard his bed threatening to fall through my ceiling every time his poor girlfriend visited. The couple downstairs; Steve & Dave were nice and always friendly, especially when I brought my mate round, who they had a soft spot for. It was the weekend I first moved in that was the problem. I'd brought one load of stuff round on the Friday and was coming back with another on the Sunday when Steve and Dave met me at the door.
"We're really sorry, there's been a bit of a problem," they said.
"Oh?" I replied, getting slightly worried.
"It was last night and you'd left your door open."
"Uh huh?"
"Well, we've had to clean your duvet" they said, shame faced. "Not just the cover, the whole thing. It's in the launderette now."
"Oh Jesus" I thought. Here I was, fresh from the countryside into the big city. What could the camp guys from downstairs have been doing in MY bedroom on a Saturday night that would require my duvet to be cleaned?
"It's Britt" they said. This was their enormous bull terrier, the world's ugliest dog. "She pushed your door open with her nose and...."
"And what?"
"Had six puppies on your nice warm bed. We're so sorry."
To tell you the truth, I was quite relieved.
(Mon 29th Mar 2010, 12:41, More)

» Impulse buys

Dumbell (and barbell)
Many years ago I deciding I was going to get fit and, not wanting to join a gym, I charged off to Argos, paid my money and waited for my purchase to arrive from the mysterious tardis-like back room. Eventually, two blokes staggered through carrying a large box. The assistant called out "Weights set?"
"That's me" I said.
"Hmm, have you got your car parked outside?"
"No" I said. What an odd question.
She looked me up and down and asked "Do you DO weights then?"
"No" I said and began to grasp where she was coming from.
"How on earth are you going to get these home?"
People in the queue began to laugh out loud. I had made a huge error. With help, I got one end of the box into the rucksack that I'd brought along for the task and trying hard to save a shred of dignity, lifted the entire thing a couple of inches off the ground, across the shop and into the street. I then left it in the middle of the pavement in the busy high street as I trudged off to find a phone box. My rationale being that if anyone was big enough to steal it, puny me would be unable to stop them anyway. After calling a cab I walked back to find it, unsurprisingly just where I'd left it.
Within a few months I'd joined a gym.
(Wed 27th May 2009, 14:22, More)

» Vomit Pt2

Mmmm mushroom
I remember (or rather I was told) that once at a teenage houseparty, I was having to be carried upstairs due to having imbibed a little too much Cinzano Bianco or whatever awful drink I'd liberated from my parents earlier.
"It's okay," said my mate who was doing the carrying to the teen who lived there. "Don't worry about the bed, he never pukes up."
Cue the inevitable vom from me as my mate was still halfway up the stairs.
"Brilliant" said someone behind him.
"Sorry, he never normally..." started my mate.
"No" said the person behind, "this is brilliant, he's thrown up an entire mushroom. Look."
And he apparently picked up the vom-stained but incredibly unchewed, large button mushroom and waved it around for all to see.
Chew your food, kids. That's the lesson here I think.
(Thu 7th Jan 2010, 17:40, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

Eighteen years old and a bunch of us are being driven around the countryside by one of the lads lucky enough to have a car. Suddenly the driver catches a farmyard whiff from outside and goes
"Urrgh, can you smell that?"
We said no and he replied "Hold on, I'll turn the radio down. Can you smell it now?"
(Sat 20th Mar 2010, 12:55, More)

» Heckles

Was in a small marquee at the much missed Phoenix Festival a few years ago, watching with delight as These Animal Men (a Buzzcocks/Clash wanabee tribute act) struggled with their failing equipment. The guitarist threw a bit of a strop as the amps packed in and in the ensuing silence, a voice from the back was clearly heard to say 'Taxi for These Animal Men?' How we laughed. Fair play to the band as that's what they called their next e.p.
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 13:53, More)
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