» Not Losing Your Virginity

Sore Throat?
I was about 15, and had a fairly bad cold. I had lost my voice a couple of days before, and it was still really sore and though I could speak it was really throaty. I was at school, and about fifteen minutes before the end of lunch, I was walking up towards my form room, when a girl in my class (who for the sake of this I will call Lucy) came up to me and said, "Do you know what's really good for sore throats?" "No," says I. "Cum," says she, "Do you want some help?"

I was slightly at a loss for words.

"Come on," she said, and headed into the disabled toilet. I hesitated, and followed her. She had taken her tie off and had started unbuttoning her shirt, and I knew I was in well over my head...

She pulled my trousers down, and started to suck me off. The worst part was when I came and she kissed me to 'take my medicine'. As I swallowed the stuff (I didn't like it one bit, but I can't deny it did sooth my throat...), she pulled her skirt down, lay on the floor, and said "Come on then,"

I knelt down, my still hard cock ready for it's first proper use...

... and then the fucking bell rang. Lucy pushed me up, pulled her clothes back on, while I stood there still kind of shocked at what was going on. She told me to put my clothes back on, we made sure we were tidy, Lucy rinsed her mouth out in the sink and said I should do the same, and we headed for afternoon registration.

Lucy never gave me another chance, and we never mentioned it again.

Still, it did sort my sore throat out...
(Sat 28th Oct 2006, 21:31, More)

» Conspiracy theory nutters

The Government Are Stealing Days
OK, this was a friend of mine who came up with this theory after smoking a few joints. Even though I didn't have any myself, I must also have been slightly stoned as I was agreeing with him...

The Government are stealing days off of us. You know those days when you wake up, and you find you're even more awake than usual? And that you're not the only person who feels like that on that particular day? Well, that's one day stolen off us by the government.

This also explains why the seasons are shifting - it's not global warming, oh no - it's these days that are being stolen from us so when we think it's still January, it's in fact March.

It also explains why you have certain generations of kids (particularly girls; I think my mate was a closet paedophile, but then again, who isn't... (erm, did I just say that?)) are maturing much earlier in their lives than they used to. It's nothing to do with hormones or chemicals in the body, it's because when they're 11 they're in fact 14.

Want to know why you go to bed and it's raining, but the next morning all the roads are dry? Well, that's a day stolen. Similarly, the old adage 'red sky at night, shepherd's delight' - when a night shows the red sky, but the weather the next day is awful, that's because of a day stolen.

When somebody is in hospital in a coma and the next day is suddenly better, or suddenly worse? Another day stolen.

And the reason for the government stealing days off of us?

Well, the best we could come up with was to tangle leads under your desk, to move objects around the house to confuse you, to decharge phone and camera batteries, to have a few days when the opposing MPs, other politians and world leaders could actually be the great friends they in fact are, Osama coming out of his cave to have lunch with Obama and so forth.

It also explains the so called 'Leap Second'. It's when it doesn't go quite right.

It was when we were less stoned that we started to realise a few faults in the theory, but then again, that was the next day...
(Fri 28th Aug 2009, 23:52, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Clothes
I did also steal two bras and a pair of panties from a girl a year older than me when I was about 14. Can't remember getting rid of them, so they must be around somewhere still... :S

On a similar vein, a friend stole one of his sisters bras, and put it on the back seat of his car so that when he parked, people would think he had a girlfriend...
(Sat 19th Aug 2006, 0:35, More)

» Call Centres

National Rail Enquiries...
A few years back, when my (now ex) girlfriend started going to university in Cheltenham, I took the train up (I live in deepest, darkest north Devon) to see her one day. On the way back, I knew that I had to change at Bristol, but had about three things which told me different times so wasn't sure what time that change was. Being Internet free at the time, we couldn't check online (plus that was the source of one of the times) so I thought who better to phone than National Rail Enquiries.

Whoops.

(When I tell this story, I attempt to do an Indian accent and fail. In text, one cannot really do accents, so you can chose between imagining a proper Indian accent or a Devonian attempting to do an Indian accent.)

'National Rail Enquires, where are you going from?'

'Er, yes, I'm travelling between Cheltenham and Tiverton. I'm due to leave at nine-seventeen, and I know I need to change at Bristol, but I'm not sure what time the change will be.'

'Where are you travelling from?'

I sigh. 'Cheltenham.'

'OK, there's no station in Cheltenham.'

Well, that was news to me. There was definitely one there when I got off the train this morning. He continued.

'Do you mean Cheltenham Spa?'

'Yes I do.' Pedantic bastard.

'OK, and where are you travelling to?'

'Tiverton.' You'd have thought I'd have learnt by now.

'There's no station in Tiverton.'

'OK, well it's actually called Tiverton Parkway.'

'Ah yes, Tiverton Parkway. What time are you leaving?'

'Around 9.15 this evening.'

'OK, there's a train leaving at 9.17, but it doesn't go straight through, you'll have to change at Bristol.'

No shit Sherlock...

I eventually managed to get the time of the change out of him which, strangely but not completely unexpectedly, wasn't one of the three times I already had.

I relayed this story to Sarah after I got off the phone who promptly turned round and said 'But there's no station in Bristol'...
(Thu 3rd Sep 2009, 20:49, More)

» Why I was late

I missed the bus...
... and wound up 20 miles in the opposite direction, about 40 miles from where I was supposed to be. Somebody offered me a lift to college thinking I went to one where I actually went to another, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that he'd driven me to the wrong place. I then caught the bus from Barnstaple to Tiverton... short of the fare too, but the driver didn't care. 'Why were you late?' 'Oh, I ended up in Barnstaple'...
(Sun 1st Jul 2007, 19:13, More)