b3ta.com user testmeuk
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Old. Married. Wage slave.

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» When I met the parents

Pr0n - alleluia
Started going out with girl midway through uni term, things going well, regular frottage and fun and got to the "i love you" stage pretty quickly. End of term, help her to tidy room and pack stuff (college whores out rooms to corporate conferences every chance it gets). While doing so, we find a leftover from the last conference occupant down the back of her chest of drawers - a full-colour and completely uncensored catalogue of clothing, devices and reading/viewing material from the 'Private Shop' down Cowley Road. Much giggling.

At which point steps on stairs and a cheery hello announce the arrival of her parents, who (she had already warned me) were pretty strict christian types. Catalogue hastily shoved into cardboard box, safely out of sight.

Meet parents - manly handshake for father, chaste kiss on cheek for mother - all going well. Helpful boyfriend picks up cardboard box, which in a way I still fail to understand self-destructs entirely, dropping all contents onto floor.

Catalogue lands at feet of prospective mother-in-law, open at a page showing a raddled plastic-titted porn star recieving a cum bath while still being dp'ed by two massive veiny throbsticks. Silence. Just fucking silence. Parents leave room, carrying token item each to car. I burst out laughing, gf bursts into tears.

Despite this things eventually recovered and, reader, I married her.

I have a very small cock, so this is the best length you'll get.
(Fri 20th May 2005, 10:43, More)

» Shit Stories

Water (?) feature
Ooooh first response to a question of the week... sorry for length...
Used to work in a terrible 70's semi-skyscraper just opposite the Houses of Parliament (Westminster Tower, crap building fans). It was notorious for faults and things breaking down, but the piece de resistance occurred one sunny day in 2001.
The kind ladies of the 4th floor, having been warned many times, finally succeeded in flushing enough sanitary wares down the 4th floor bogs to block them completely. The resulting failure was catastrophic - 13 floor building and terrible plumbing, so somehow 8 floors' worth of backed-up piss and shit exploded forth from the cubicals.
First warning on the 1st floor was the increasingly appalling smell, followed by the cry of disgust of the first person to open the stairwell door.
The stairs were a yellow-tinged waterfall, with frequent turds, tampons and other loo detritus plopping their merry way down. The stair treads were also open, so a continuous piss/shit shower was in effect as well.
Management sent us all home because of the 'health hazard', but sadly the lifts had been switched off because of the wetness, so the only way out was by playing turd hopscotch down the stairs while piss, shit and tampons dropped on our heads.
Never believe anyone that says it's bad luck to open an umbrella indoors.
(Fri 7th May 2004, 14:24, More)

» Sacked

First post!
And I've just been sacked for accessing B3ta on company time. Shit.
(Thu 23rd Feb 2006, 13:28, More)

» School fights

Sweet, sweet justice
Northern grammar school, sixth form - generally very civilised other than the (apparently genuinely) psychotic Tommy Crabtree. Small, blond-haired, incredibly unpleasant all-round cunt, with the unfortunate attribute of a reasonable level of intelligence to add imagination and creativity to his reasonless violence and persecution of others.
At the ad-hoc leaving drinks before A-level study leave, Tommy and his acolytes (generally ok except when they were with him) decides to torment a new target - the very fit, quite quiet and generally pretty 'together' Emily L. She doesn't rise to it - he gets more obnoxious. And more obnoxious. And then pours a drink over her. At which point, Emily calmly picks up the glass she's been drinking from, and breaks it over Tommy's evil little head - not much actual damage other than a severely cut ear, but so, so sweet to see his little cuntish face twisted with pain, fear, shock and rage.
Bet it still rankles being bested by a girl, doesn't it Tommy?
(Apparently he's still a cunt, so have no qualms about not changing his name)
(Tue 14th Mar 2006, 18:29, More)

» My computer gave away my secrets

Not my good self but...
... my uber-respectable, pillar of the community, staunch Christian father-in-law. Round the in-laws one day recently, he's swearing (mildly) at his elderly laptop and complaining how slowly it's running. I offer to take a look, suddenly he clams up and says that it isn't too bad really, etc.

"Nonsense, I'm sure I can help" quoth I and grabs it... Never, never have I seen a machine so utterly crammed with the telltale signs of a serious pr0n addiction. Trojans and viruses by the score, desktop, start menu and favourite links to porn obviously added involuntarily by clever little filthmongering websites, IE homepage hijacked to an 'adult' search engine, and three separate premium-rate dialer scam things.

Moral of the story - don't get hooked on interweb pr0n if you don't even have the computer skills to clear your IE history, delete shortcuts or run a virus check.

On reflection, the worst thing was how many of the sites seemed to have an incest theme...
(Fri 10th Feb 2006, 11:26, More)
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