b3ta.com user inscrutable
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» Ignoring Instructions

My girlfriend
instructed me to find a job over easter. I chose instead to watch a large amount of cracking good telly and eat KFC.

I don`t have a girlfriend any more.
(Sat 6th May 2006, 15:12, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

do not exceed the stated dose.
I always thought it strange that something as innocuous as a packet of halls menthol sweets should have this warning on the side. Anyway, one day whilst a student in London I had to tube it in from Mile End to get to lectures in Euston. This particular day my ears were blocked and I couldn`t hear anything at all, because i had one of those horrible colds that glue up the tubes inside your head. so whilst on the tube I decided to eat an entire packet of halls menthol.

It didn`t clear my eustacian tubes, but it did cause me almost to shit myself on the train. I had to sprint the last 100 yards to the lecture building and burst into the toilets, narrowly avoiding brown trousers as I rushed to pull my trousers down. There was some guy in the cubicle next to me and he was really upset by all the noise I was making, and the fact that my bag came open and all my stuff went under the gap into his cubicle. He left in a hurry.

Halls Menthol contains phenylalanine, a laxative.
(Mon 8th May 2006, 19:39, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

Chemistry Set
On receiving a chemistry set for your twelfth birthday, I think the only thing outweighing the elation and excitement of finally owning your personal pyrotechnics laboratory is the disappointment upon discovering that the chemicals have been carefully chosen in order to be completely innert no matter how carefully you combine them. In fact, the only slightly dangerous concoction in the entire instruction booklet was dilute hydrochloric acid, although approximately one million times less potent than the saliva of Sigourney Weaver`s nemesis (enough to change the colour of the litmus only).

So I decided to make it, in the hope that it could be made a little bit more concentrated with perseverance. Only I didn`t read the bit that said "don`t seal the test tube due to pressure build up". Cue a small explosion, a shattered test tube and lots of coughing. I think they called it mustard gas in World War I...
(Sat 6th May 2006, 14:56, More)

» School Sports Day

sports day eh.
(Thu 30th Mar 2006, 22:47, More)

» Sacked

coffee is bad
I used to have a boring job in the mortgages department of a building society. We basically had to put some code into a form and write "redemption quote sent to customer" in the log of somebody`s account. 60 times a fucking hour. This was my first job after graduating from my piece of shit worthless arts degree, and it paid minimum wage, plus I was working in my inbred little home town with people who never went to uni.

They made the mistake of putting me right next to the coffee machine. coffee was only 20p a go, so me thought it would be a nice experiment to put 6 espressos in 1 cup, and to see how much coffee I could get through during the day. After a week or so I started to get the stomach pains and the shouty episodes with the folks at home, and all the papers on the desk at work became inextricably congealed with the laminate surface.

It took them 3 weeks to find all the comments I had written in people`s accounts. I`m not proud. But I`m not repentant either. Nobody should ever have to do that shit.
(Fri 24th Feb 2006, 5:21, More)
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