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it said i can use html here...... i can't use it anywhere else though

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» Stuff You've Overheard

While listening with a glass at the door
I overheard my flatmates saying i am a nosey cunt!
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 11:20, More)

» Little Victories

I have been holding the doors open
for the militant looking ones at the lesbian feminist conference.

Nothing like a little courtesy is there?
(Fri 11th Feb 2011, 19:43, More)

» My Worst Vomit

I'm not saying I only threw up once at this years Glastonbury, but only once where I really had no control of the matter. I entirely blame a grinning man who assured me it would be fun.

It was very late on the Sunday night, the culmination of 5 days of rather extravagant, if somewhat ill advised, alco-narco-mungbean consumption

The plan for the day had included “LEEDS”, a rather heady cocktail of 2 e’s and some lsd. To be fair I think I may have over done it a bit but then again, who hadn’t by this point.

With an air of familiarity my stomach was telling me it was time to take the obligatory “pill shit”. You know the one, the europhic rush of MDMA coursing trough your bowels and no viable option but to evacuate immediately. So off I trotted to find a habitable cubicle. No mean feat considering the time and location of my predicament.

By the time I reached the toilets I wasn’t in the position to wait and the first one to open would have to suffice. I didn’t think it was that bad in there and made myself comfortable to drop the kids off. Then I breathed.

The putrescent stench of crusties turds, beer boys piss and hippies hit the back of my throat. Immediately my gag reflex took over, forcing my eyes to water, my tongue to swell and my stomach into some unearthly contraction, expelling a loose stool of biblical proportions from my rear. This was too much for my poor body to take and a vile narco-plasm forced itself, arching, from my mouth splattering the cubical door. The magnitude of this spasm threw my feeble body forward, arms outstretched into the outward swinging door – which, in my confused state, I had neglected to lock– much to the disgust / amusement of the waiting crowd who got to witness a brief glimpse of me wearing a trilby while dribbling noxious fluids from both ends.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to those in the queue and particularly the next occupant of the cubicle who had the misfortune to bear witness to this sorry sorry incident
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 16:19, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Stainless Steel Sphincter
Meh.... Our flatmate has big tattoos and those flesh tunnel ear piercings. We also spread the rumour that he has a very special anal piercing that makes all his poo come out in a thin poo tube.

size and length - long and thin
(Thu 27th Mar 2008, 15:32, More)

» Awesome Sickies

A63 all the way....
The story - I phoned in and said i had accidentally chased a girlfriend in front of a 4 x 4 and she had been run over. I needed to stay in wales and make sure she regained conciousness. My boss organised a whip round for flowers and gave me the week off.

The truth - i was shagging a mates ex bird and didn't want to go home to the midlands.

The story - I had friend ring up my boss "in a bit of a state", saying his brother had been run over and it wasn't looking good. My boss felt terrible as he had been through somthing similar with his daughter (i didn't know this) and drove me around while i administered myself and then offered me the use of his car.

The truth - i was scheduled to be working on site in london on a really sunny weekend. no cocking way i thought, better get a mate to ring up and start telling lies, no one will ever believe a sickie this weekend. btw, executed this on a thursday morning to make it look even more genuine.

the story - errr..... i haven't been in all week because i have been helping my friends wife look for her missing husband, we thought he might have committed suicide. it's alright though, he was hiding out at a mates house.

the truth - bollocks to working in camden job centre.

oh, and last bank holiday, after a bit of a pharmaceutical weekend and monday in the pub "errr.... you know that thing that i was pretending to be fighting off last friday..... (after adopting the symptoms of the previous weeks office based lurgey)...... yeah, had a shit weekend with it.....still don't feel too good....."

cue the whole week off

(got a doctors appt for it, but i'm better now. docs hand out notes for anything)

it's all about the ground work and surrounding yourself with idiots.

no apologies for anything, ever.
(Mon 12th Jun 2006, 17:02, More)
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