» I'm an expert

here's one... kinda/sorta...
Ooh! I once convinced a nutrition expert that eating three pieces of red licorice every day from late teens can reduce the risk of prostate cancer in women by up to 17%... she used that fact in the very next lecture class and turned the most fabulous color of fuschia I've ever seen when she recieved an explanation as to why the students were laughing so hard.

Lesson learned: percentages ending in 7 are always more believeable.
(Fri 24th Jun 2005, 23:46, More)

» I witnessed a crime

Another story from china
Basically, it went down like this:

My best friend (6' and 140lbs) & I (6'2, 220 lbs) were in China taking a semester abroad... somehow in Chengdu, a group consisting of ourselves and fellow students managed to find an 'Authentic Irish Pub', (probably the only place in china you can find Guinness on tap). Anyways, after getting good and drunk one night, he disappeared down an alleyway to piss. When we realized he was missing, we traced back our steps to find a group of a half dozen teenage thugs (weighing no more than 8 stone apiece, at best) shoving him, while we laughed, amused... until we realized they were trying to steal his wallet. As he was wearing sweat pants at the time, they had a hard time getting into his pockets... So they pushed him over, and pulled his pants off of him as we were finally realizing what was happening and ran to his aid... needless to say, the little fuckers were fast runners, certainly far more sober, hand knew exactly where they were running to; so we couldn't catch them. We had to escort him, wearing nothing from the waist down, back to the dorms whilst trying to stifle our laughter the whole way.

Apparently, after we got back, he quickly realized that his key to his room was also in those pants, so he spent the night in one of the girls' rooms borrowing her pink bathrobe until the front desk opened in the morning and he could get back into his room.

And he swore he'd kill me if I ever told this story...
(Mon 18th Feb 2008, 17:47, More)

» I'm an expert

Let's see...
1. I'm a semi-pro hooker.

2. I stab my closest friends on a regular basis.

3. I once designed a wonderful method of interrogation for prisoners using only a car battery, jumper cables, and a pickle.

4. My drunken ramblings have found their way into literally dozens of thesis papers at the local Uni.

5. and I can bake the world's second greatest rum-custard pies... still awaiting results of my first Guiness based custard, though...



(for those who just need to know more info, 1. I play Rugby here in the US, 2. I Teach fencing, 3. I'm just a sick bastard, there is no excuse. 4. I tend to drink a lot and philosophize at parties, and 5. I was a culinary arts student for three years, respectively)
(Fri 24th Jun 2005, 23:22, More)

» Evidence that you're getting old

oy.
You're getting old when

you realize that bottle of eighteen year old single malt is really nearly thirty...

when you've actually considered the legal ramifications of shagging the girl you just met...

half your sweaters will never be worn again, save for Cosby Show reruns...

you know how much is in your Roth-IRA account...

people you've known for years have their children/students refer to you as Mr. So-and-so...

you know what a sedimented beer is, and can name four types (NOT BRANDS!) of ales...

you can remember the first time you bought a Tom Lehrer Vinyl...
(Mon 1st Nov 2004, 21:53, More)

» My first love

Ahh, 7 year olds in love
First love, Amber, back in the 80's

she was my best friend, loved the WWF, knew all the lyrics to every song on the just released New Kids On the Block Album... and asked me to kiss her if I was going to be her boyfriend someday.

She said I was all slobbery like a dog, so I pushed her off the swing and pulled her chair out from under her in class... my first ever detention!!! I've been a bad boy to girls ever since.
(Fri 21st Oct 2005, 23:32, More)