b3ta.com user themightyginge
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» Out of my depth

I used to be in a cover band
and we did Working Men's Clubs and whatnot. We had a monthly residency at the local Socialist Club, which was full of sweet old ladies and chain-smoking granddads. In between songs like 'Summer of 69' and 'Great Balls of Fire' I used to tell vaguely risque jokes, which always went down well. Until I told this one.

Paul McCartney: Kids, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?

Kids: The bad news.

PM: Kids, your mum's died.

Kids: Oh no! What's the good news?

PM: Fucking steak for tea.

The tumbleweed blew across the stage. We lost the residency.
(Thu 21st Oct 2004, 13:54, More)

» Clients Are Stupid

It's the lying I hate
When I started as a programmer I regularly did support as well, and quickly realised that when people had problems entering data the first question was 'Is your numlock on?'. I still regularly got reassurances that it was, only to find - lo and behold - that it wasn't and that this was the problem, only to be met almost every time with "well it was on, I don't know what happened. Oh it's fixed now? Thanks."
(Mon 29th Dec 2003, 15:47, More)

» Impromptu Games You Play

Littlebean's game
Littlebean, if you read this, I still can't help playing the line game. I thought I was the only one. Except I duck if it's above my head. Very sad.

I also played push halfpenny on a formica table with a large model of Starkyand Hutch's Gran Torino. Points were scored for stunts and how many wheels went over the edge. Naturally drugs were involved.
(Wed 31st Mar 2004, 17:44, More)

» Irrational Fears

My mate's scared of snakes, alligators and spiders.
Nothing wrong with that, you think, instinctual survival technique, which is true but we live in Yorkshire. He got a cat just so if a python got into his house it would eat that first enabling escape, he had to move desks at work because there was a hole in the ceiling above him and he thought an anaconda might drop down onto him, and when we walk past the canal at lunchtime (the water's barely above freezing) he always keeps an eye out for alligators. Of course, we throw stones in behind his back and he shits himself. Oh and he NEVER goes in the sea for fear of sea snakes and great whites (at Scarborough - I ask you!).
(Wed 28th Jan 2004, 10:01, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

Double the fun
My mum always said to my sister that if you touched a butterfly's wing and the dust came off that it wouldn't be able to fly. She believed it right up until she was at work and told the office to much piss-taking.

Also, my dad had us all believing that his middle name was Goliath (his post always used to come with a G in the middle). It was actually Govier, his mother's maiden name. I preferred Goliath actually. Quite cool...
(Wed 14th Jan 2004, 14:33, More)
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