b3ta.com user carpediem
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» Other people's diaries

My brother's diary
My brother died quite suddenly and tragically (the story gets better, I promise) and in the run up to the funeral we (family) had a gander at some of his stuff to see what needed chucking/what anyone wanted to save. My sister found a diary he wrote when he was the grand age of about thirteen. She read through a few entries and shed a tear and told me how touching it was and how funny he was, even back then. What page do I open it on? I quote:

I'm going to have a wank, I'll try to get some spunk on the page

*crusty bit of page with a biro outline*

Cue me pissing myself laughing (and dropping the DNA laden diary). You should never find a sibling's secretions and certainly none that are more than a decade old.

Length? Girth? He never mentioned it.
(Tue 6th Feb 2007, 15:34, More)

» Things you've done when you've had no money.

My first flat.
It was the main social area for "the group", there were about 50 of us, all into our various drugs and dealing. My flat had one HOOGE room that everyone chilled in, the door was always on the catch an everyone just came in, made a spliff an passed it round. As we used to get rancidly off our titties in there frequently (and it was impossible to hoover with so many people in all the time) there were normally little finds of a pill or piece of weed daily. I decided to clean, kicked everyone out, and gutted the place. On my travels around the giant room I found 14 grams of cocaine, still bagged, 2 and about 3/4 9-bars of marijuana, more than a hundred pills and various brands of acid tabs as well as the usual decks of 20 ciggies and rolled up notes. I put all the drugs in paper bags in a hat and charged anyone who dared a tenner for a "lucky dip". Made many pennies that month. Ah the joys of being poor.
Apologies for length.
(Fri 8th Oct 2004, 18:50, More)

» Out of my depth

I was never good at French
Mock speaking exam, one and a half minutes of hell, no revision and a vocabluary consisting of "voiture" and "la". Walk in, sit down opposite the teacher, and proceed to mime "what do you want me to say?! I dont speak French?!!" to her, she was less than impressed, she turns on the tape and says something in French and then stares at me. I sit back, pretending not to be so scared and realise my doom, trying to avoid her evil gaze I look past her and notice a friends hand writing on a piece of paper taped to the wall: "IF YOU DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY THEN READ THIS OUT, BUT MIX UP THE PHRASES SO WE DONT GET CAUGHT". I love that girl, she had written out about 4 minutes of perfect French for us all to reel off. Better than that, it was spelled phoenetically!
Only out of my depth for about 30 seconds of perspiration and heavy breathing. Bitch didnt do it for the real thing though.
Still got a C.
As always, apologies for length.
(Sat 16th Oct 2004, 17:20, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Mr Conde
If you know him, click "I like this", you know you love the flaming bin, the brown tiles and the 3 legged chicken!
(Wed 9th Nov 2005, 18:28, More)

» Things you've done when you've had no money.

Just remembered one!
my mate once made me a birthday dinner. We were both VERY poor but she sprung for a very expensive pink fleecy jumper (my birthday is in January) meaning she had no money left, for a month *guilt* . My birthday dinner was super noodles on waffles and a mini pizza with a candle on. It tasted great, wax and all!
NB- not a birthday candle, a BIG church candle that covered about 80% of said pizza and melted on in the time it took us to stop laughing.
(Fri 8th Oct 2004, 19:11, More)
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