» * PFFT *

I once farted my own name
I was sat on a chair at a mates house and farted.. I swear it said "BARRY" starting low and rumbling and increasing the pitch towards the end..

I got excited and looked at my mates to say I thought it sounded like my name (expecting them to say it just sounded like a fart)... before i got to say anything one of them shouted "HAHAHAH You just farted your name!!! nice skills!"

BEAT THAT!

Length? about 3 seconds

(click I like this is you believe Barry is the gayest name in the country! - stupid sadistic parents)
(Fri 13th Jul 2007, 15:11, More)

» Awesome Sickies

Eyeballtastic
I once woke after a drunken binge in bed with an attractive girl, and neither of us had bolted at the first sign of light. So in my wisdom (and thinking with my pecker) I decided to call work and tell them I was ill.

Silly of me to be so still semi-drunk as to not have pre-thought of an excuse AND hadn't put on my obligitary croaky "i'm so ill" voice. So, here i was, on the spot, speaking to my manager without a good answer to return to the question "Hello, whats up?".

First thing out of my mouth was "I can't come in, I have to lubricate my eyeball"

worked a treat, and more than once, nobody ever asked why or how, maybe they thought it was so terrible a thing that it should not be spoken of :)

*Girth over length, every time
(Fri 9th Jun 2006, 17:18, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

I use 'accidentally' because it was in an age of innocence
When we were kids (back in the 80's) and the best pixelated entertainment we had was a ZX spectrum 48k.. he had to make our own fun..

Now, when I tell this story it generates the horror and disgusted looks of onlookers.. I still seem to tell the story regularly, possibly trying to convince myself and the listeners that it was all done with innocence and we weren't aware of any consequences. One day I may even believe myself.

We used to buy tiny mice from the pet shop for 50p each (I expect they were to feed snakes.. so in retrospect, they probably had more fun with us than the snakes, +1 for my conscience).

We would go back to my mates house with pockets full of mice, this mate had a very long front room with a joined on dining room.. so nearly 20 metres of length from front to back. The back patio windows had full length curtains.

I don't know how we discovered this.. but closing the curtains and throwing the mice from the front window, to the back window "usually" resulted in the mice sticking (with claws) to the curtains at the other end.

Eventually the mice would either miss the curtains or have some kind of mid-air heart-attack and cark it. The one mouse remaining was crowned king of the mice and got to live like royalty in my mates disused hamster cage, it had food, wheels and everything*

Anyway, maybe if I tell this story one more time, the guilt will subside and I can move on with my life.. until then I will verbally apologize for my sins to every mouse which crosses my path.

*regardless of these luxuries, the 'king' mouse generally only lived for a day or two afterwards

Apologies for loosely swinging around the term "accidentally", I was young and I didn't know what to do with it.
(Mon 10th Dec 2007, 13:50, More)

» Where is the strangest place you have slept?

Blanket of Snow
After a night full of booze and frollics, it was traditional for us to pile back to my mates house, raid his cupboards for food and eventually pass out... this usually worked out quite well except for one fateful winters night (trying to add to the drama you see...).

anyway, my mate ended up leaving earlier than me, i stayed till the nightclub closed at 2am and waited in the snow a while for a taxi, got the taxi and barely scraped the fare with my last remaining pennies and was dropped by his house.

The door was unusually locked, and the lights were out.. hmm, strange... after much door banging and throwing mud at the window I figured that if he was actually in there, he was unconscious to the point of death.

I had no money, was miles away from anywere and had no credit on my phone so basically my only option was to set-up camp. I had a short sleeved shirt on, no coat (i'm northern ya see) aand no real way of keeping warm...

In my drunken state i decided that the step looked a bit damp (albeit slightly sheltered by 2 walls and a porch) so drunken logic advised me that the best, warmest and safest course of action would be to climb on top of the porch and sleep, as surely it would be much dryer and warmer up there........ so there i sat, soaked through with snow pelting into my fact at 3am huddled on top of my friends porch.

At around 4am the neighbours husband (who i occasionally exchange pleasantries with) arrived home from a night-shift, he graciously asked me if i would like to come in for a warm until my mate wakes up.. again.. drunken logic told me that my mate would get up soon and i was fine where i was....

eventually i passed out on the roof, in the snow, and the wet, and the wind.. my mate woke me up at 8am covered in snow, i could barely move but i've never been so happy to see anyone in my life, once i managed to fall down off the porch i literally crawled into the house and spoke in tounges for a while.

Took me a whole day of lying in a warm bed and drinking hot drinks to stop feeling cold.. still i would do it all again cos it just proves that if i can sleep in the snow with no special clothing im either a) a double hard northern bastard or b) all these mountain climbers are pansies with their tents and duffle coats!

apologies for length and girth, the cold did affect it so i may be over-compensating
(Fri 29th Dec 2006, 13:22, More)

» Your first cigarette

MMMMmm love smoke
I loved the smell of smoke as a kid, if I was near someone smoking outside I'd get as close as I could and breathe in as much as I could. I can never understand peoples "eww, smoke stinks!" attitude. Yes, stale smoke on clothes stinks and a lot of people smoking in an enclosed space is a bit minging, but in general it's looovely.

As a kid of about 11 we would get my mates gas-stove out and roll bits of paper up and smoke them, looking back, yes it was strange but I loved the taste, guess I was designed to smoke.

Moving on a year or so, I nicked a smoke out my mates dad's fag-box. My colon was aquivver with fear and excitement that I might get rumbled.

I managed to get hold of some matches from somewhere, fucked off to somewhere I was SURE nobody would spot me, set fire to the end but wasn't aware I needed to actually suck the thing to get it to light properly so spent about 10 matches just having problems before I finally got a drag and really didn't know what the fuss was about. A few months later, once I realised that inhalation was the key to enjoying a good smoke I was hooked.

Been smoking for 13 years now, don't really feel of ill health in any form and my lungs are fine, but as I now have 2 young children I have came to the realisation that if smoking does have a negative affect on my health it won't just be me who is affected and would be selfish for me to disregard that so I have promised myself to quit before I'm 30 (This coming July)


Incidentally I would NEVER smoke anywhere near children, in fact I don't even let them SEE me smoke or smoke in the house/car when they aren't there, they are ages 1 & 3, it makes me sick when I see parents forcing their children to live in a house full of smoke. Christ, I don't even like picking them up if my coat stinks of smoke.

Smoking is my choice, not theirs.


I can knock down trees with my giant cock
(Thu 20th Mar 2008, 8:55, More)