» School fights

My mom's advice
regarding fights was this - "Never start a fight, but if you must defend yourself, kick them in the knee, at a 45 degree angle. The kneecap dislocates, they fall to the ground, then you run away."

So, there is this girl who's been bullying me for quite some time, and one day, I've had enough. I kick her in the knee. Her kneecap went *pop*. She fell to the ground crying. I ran off home and promptly told my mother what happened. She congratulated me for standing up for myself and gave me milk and cookies.

Two hours later, bully's mom calls my mom, and proceeds to complain to her. My mom listened to her ranting very calmly, then shouted into the phone "If your daughter wasnt a BITCH my daughter wouldn't have to kick her ass." Slams the phone down. End of story.

I love my mother.
(Sat 11th Mar 2006, 23:39, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

My dad
used to tell me that there was a little man who lived inside the refridgerator and would turn the light on and off when you opened the doors.

These little guys were children who had been naughty, and were put in the shrinking machine by their parents, and forced to turn the fridge lights on and off as punishment for naughtiness.

Any time I misbehaved (and some times when I didn't) he would threaten to put me in the shrinking machine and make me live in the fridge.
(Wed 14th Jan 2004, 14:08, More)

» Local Nutters

Speedo Man
is the village idiot of Grand Junction, Colorado. As the name implies, this nutter wanders around town wearing nothing but a speedo, a pair of sandals, and a smile. When it gets colder and snows, he does, on occasion, enter out into the public wearing legwarmers, tennis shoes, and one of those midriff bearing half-shirts, all coordinated to his speedo.

I've talked to him a few times, and he appears to be a nice person, although he has done WAY too much acid and cannot form a coherent sentence. I've also smoked the gangja with him on occasion.

Speedo Man is married, with two kids. He has been arrested a few times for such offenses as peeing on a dog (because it was barking too loud), wanking while standing in his front lawn, and verbally assaulting a liquor store clerk who refused to sell him spirits because he was visibly intoxicated.

I want to be just like Speedo Man when I grow up.
(Thu 16th Sep 2004, 15:21, More)

» Have you ever seen a dead body?

As a nurse's aide in a nursing home for the elderly,
I have seen a lot of dying and death. Part of my duties is when a resident dies, we wash and attend to the body, make them look peaceful for the family to visit and say their goodbyes. This is also an excellent oppurtunity to haze the new aides.

When i was a new aide, the first body I ever had to care for. When she died, she had evacuated her bowels and bladder, and I had to clean up the mess. When I rolled her over to clean her, she moaned loudly, vomited, and her arm involutarily smacked me on the hip. Since then, I have seen a multitude of bodies In the nursing home, we have a death roughly every two weeks or so.
(Tue 4th Mar 2008, 19:48, More)

» Slang Survey

420
420 is used to say its time to smoke pot. Aka.
Stoner 1: what time is it?
Stoner 2: Dude, it's 420! Light up!

Also, my personal favorite. not exactly new.

It's all good = everything is fine
Person 1: Sorry, didn't mean to bump into you.
Me: It's all good.
(Mon 2nd Feb 2004, 6:19, More)