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he's mister green christmas he's mister sun
he's mister heat blister, he's mister one hundred and one
they call me heatmiser, whatever i touch
starts to melt in my clutch
i'm too much

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» Going Too Far

hey lady
As is the case with most teenage boys, growing up with a group of mates involves lots of knocks, jibes and japes at each other's expense. One of the guys at school received more than usual, mainly for his flowing golden locks that (when combined with an undercut hair style)looked like he'd just stepped out of a salon. Hence the name Pears Hair. Pears being an Australian shampoo brand at the time.

One night we all go to a game of footy and sit on the hill after some quality underage drinking in a nearby park. This results in all of us making comments at practically every female who walks past, usually things covertly shouted behind someone's back, witty things like 'tits' and 'show us your tits'.

Pears Hair, always eager to gain cred with the crew, spots a girl coming and sees his chance at glory. He jumps up, points, and yells 'HEY LADY...SHOW US YOUR FRONT BUM'.

The girl ran away while the entire hill looked at Pears Hair with jaws open. I think we all threw cans at him.
(Sat 11th Nov 2006, 15:13, More)

» Local Nutters

granny fanny
About 5 years ago I still lived at home with my parents and 5 younger brothers. Mum, Dad and some of the littler ones were away for the weekend so me and the next eldest had a party on the Saturday night. It was pretty big and didn't finish up til sunrise.

A few of my brother's mates had slept in various beds in the house and one of these lads was woken up at about 9am by something tickling his toes. He looked up, still in a groggy haze to see an old lady playing with his toes and giggling at him. He was a little freaked out but went up to my brothers bedroom to tell him that our grandma was here.

"Don't worry, she comes over all the time" said my brother through his bedroom door...which was true. She used to come in and out of our place at will. My brother went back to sleep.

My brother got up an hour or two later and went downstairs. A few of his mates were watching tv and starting a bit of a cleanup. In the kitchen was the old lady, mucking around in the sink and wearing a white blouse type thing...and nothing else. She was totally naked waist down with her old lady ass and old lady muff and old lady legs on display for young and old. It definitely wasn't our grandma.

"Dude, you didn't say she was naked."
"I just thought your grandma was weird" or something to that effect.

It was the old lady from down the road. Her Alzheimers had kicked in and she had no idea what she was doing.

Best thing is, my brother and his mate walked her two doors down back to her place. But since it was sunday, all the punters from the church down the road were returning to their cars parked in our street (perfect timing) and had to cop my bro and his mate with a naked old lady.
The charming lads didn't even give her a towel to wrap around her waist.
(Mon 20th Sep 2004, 6:19, More)

» People with Stupid Names

unique indeed
When i was in high school a gospel choir from Chicago came and visited us. One of the singers was a bloke by the name of New Unique Choice. That was his first three names, his full name was something like New Unique Choice Wilson. His friends called him New Unique for short.
(Fri 27th Aug 2004, 8:12, More)

» Impromptu Games You Play

name game
Me and a mate ALWAYS play 'what's my name' whenever we're in public and bored. Just look at someone and guess their name. We mutually decide who's answer fits his/her appearance best, much like the 'guess my name' game featured in the newletter the other week.

Favourite names so far have been: W.H. Hornman, Steen Seventeen-Seventeen and Vel Madman. We once asked someone their name after we had both made our guesses but we were wrong. Takes the fun out of it.
(Tue 30th Mar 2004, 5:24, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

tune in
My history teacher throughout high school (not sure why but i managed to get him almost every year) was strange.

he started every sentence with the words 'tune in' in an attempt to get our attention. eg. 'tune in, today we'll look at the battle of salamis'

when one of the naughty kids bounced a basketball at the back of the room he threw it out the window of his 2nd story class room. when the kid protested he put the kid's upper body out the window too and held him there for about 30 seconds, not saying a word.

his best feature though was when the class got too much for him he'd just get a tv and turn on south africa's finest screen gem 'the gods must be crazy'. we'd all settle down and he'd just sit there laughing in the corner at the sped up antics and genius script: 'it's an interesting psychological phenomenon'.

now that's history.
(Mon 14th Nov 2005, 2:46, More)
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