b3ta.com user clapper
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» Now, there was no need for that...

Bloody animals...
I had just split up with my boyfriend of 4 years. Even though it was the right thing to do, it was quite traumatic. Having had 'the conversation' on a Sunday morning, I decided to clear off out of the flat to give us both a bit of space, and went to meet my mum and dad at their very civilised Sunday lunchtime drinking hole. Thinking I would get tender loving care.

Oh no.

The 'rents were fine, but the family dog (a large labrador)got a bit over excited to see me, jumped up at my chest, got both paws stuck in the neckline of my stretchy top and pulled, wrenching it down and exposing my bare tits to the pub at large. There was no need for that in my emotionally vulnerable state.

There was also no need for my mum and dad to burst out laughing, thereby drawing attention to the fact that I was desperately trying to untangle the dog from my clothes and put myself away (whilst trying not to cry).

There was certainly no need for the pensioner in the corner to raise his glass to me and doff his cap...
(Thu 16th Jun 2005, 14:41, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

Bless 'em
A friend overheard two old dears on a bus (cue Bristol accents...)

Old Dear A: 'Ere, you'll never guess what's 'appened to Doris. She's only gone and died!

Old Dear B: What, old Doris? That's not like 'er, she ain't never done that before...
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 12:37, More)

» Job Interviews

Favourite not- even- getting- an- interview
Best application form: a FOAF who was determined not to be gainfully employed (in the days when being on the dole was profitable, easy and fun, kids). He persistently listed his ethnic origin as 'honky'
(Thu 20th Jan 2005, 13:05, More)

» When I met the parents

My then-boyfriend...
...had already met my parents, and so was to be introduced to my gran. Gentile conversation ensued, until Gran says:

"I had a lovely tit in my bush yesterday"

*cue puce-faced subdued giggling*

Gran doesn't quite get the joke, carries on

"Yes, it was after my nuts"

*roar and roll on floor*

Non sequitur, anyone?
(Thu 19th May 2005, 16:05, More)

» When animals attack...

Why the long face?
Horses have very long faces. Often the front of their faces get itchy, and they will then try to rub them against any available surface. A tree, a fence post, or in my case the back of the 8 year old girl who is leading the great big cart horse by a piece of string down a muddy lane.

As the beast dropped his head and came up for a scratch against my back, he managed to wedge his enormous horsey face between my arse cheeks, thereby scooping me up into the air, and landing on my face in the mud.

I let go of the string mid flight. The horse then calmly trampled over me as he walked on to his field.

He still remained my favourite though ;)
(Mon 6th Jun 2005, 16:37, More)
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