b3ta.com user shadyron
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A ding ding ding ding dididing ding bing bing pscht,
Dorhrm bom bom bedom bem bom bedom bom bum ba ba bom bom,
Bouuuuum bom bom bedahm, Bom be barbedarm bedabedabedabeda
Bbrrrrrimm bbrrrrramm bbbrrrrrrrrraammmmm ddddddraammm,
Bah bah baah baah ba wheeeeeee-eeeee-eeeee!

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Best answers to questions:

» Mobile phone disasters

Some chap
Seems to have the number of my works phone. He keeps texting it - I assume it's on a group list or something. So I keep texting him back with increasingly more bizarre things. I've only ever had one response, and haven't heard anything for a couple of weeks now.

Him (I assume it's a him): "Can everyone dial in to the conference call at 1645 at the usual place"
Me: "Will do captain!"

Him: "We've got to beat Essex this month - targets are "
Me: "I'll set those as my own personal targets! I'll flog myself if I don't meet them"

Him: "Please submit your QFD reports by close of play today"
Me: "I love you"

Him: "We need 25 more appointments by the end of the day"
Me: "I can do that in my sleep"
[later that day]
Him: "Well done team, we exceeded our targets!"
Me: "You're my hero!"
Him: "You're mine too"

Him: "We really need to push on the sales today - Essex are catching us up this month"
Me: "I'm pregnant. I think it's yours"

Not heard anything since.
(Thu 30th Jul 2009, 23:27, More)

» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

The name's Mr T.
In 1972, I was part of a crack commando unit which was sent to prison by a military court for a crime that we didn't commit.
Myself, and the others in my unit promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground.

Today, we're still wanted by the government, but survive as soldiers of fortune.

We're trying to make some money. If you have a problem - if no one else can help - and if you can find us, or better still, e-mail us - maybe you can hire us. Let me know, like.
(Sun 26th Mar 2006, 18:31, More)

» Panic Buying

This year
I work far too much. I'm a theatre techie. Christmas for most other people means panto season for us, and a hell of a lot of work. 90 hour weeks and whatnot.

The shows finish at 1655 and the shops shut five minutes later. So, I have this plan. Give the girlfriend £200 and tell her to buy all of the gifts and cards for my family.

Genius!

So, Christmas morning, everyone is opening their presents.

You know what's coming, don't you?

She's still quietly fuming about it.

Bugger.
(Fri 30th Dec 2005, 23:28, More)

» Well, that taught 'em

Trying to keep a lid on something
Someone posts a random string of numbers, which are used to make the conned-sumer pay over and over again for something they've already bought.

09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0

That taught them.
(Wed 2nd May 2007, 15:20, More)

» Messing with people's heads

I used to work at a large University
That had a biomedical research facility. This is a fluffy name for "does animal research". I worked in the same building that housed this, but wasn't related in that. I do tech stuff.

The bit of the building that houses the animal stuff is *extremely* secure. It's not on the list of floors when you walk in the door, the lifts need a key to get up there, etc.

After a fire drill one day, we mentioned to some of the students that some of the mini elephants had escaped. When the response was confusion, we said something like "What, you don't know about them? The project has been going for *years*! Yeah, they've been breeding these mini elephants up there. Fit in the palm of your hand, but some of them got into the lift. They were running around reception, so the building had to be evacuated whilst they caught them again."

As with the best rumours like that - mention it to five or ten people and then leave it be.

That was about 10 years ago. I still hear the rumour occasionally being spread round now.
(Thu 12th Jan 2012, 18:36, More)
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