» Lies Your Parents Told You

Vet's Gloves
We got took camping when we were kids - and being in the country was a bit like being in All Creatures Great and Small... bear with me.

"Look mum - I've found a vet's glove"

Wearing a used condom on my hand found in the grass near a neighbouring caravan.
(Tue 20th Jan 2004, 23:33, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

Concorde's Nose
I was watching an Airshow on TV a few years ago (i.e. at the age of 28) and Concorder was making a visit, doing a flyby then landing etc.

As it was taxi-ing along the runway with it's pointy nose down I remember this thought entering my head along the lines of:

"Ah, it'll be needing to have a drink in a minute"

Rewind the clock to me at the age of six asking my parents why Concorde had a bent nose and my dad told me - after a long pause - that it was so it could drink water through it.

This fact was duly filed away, uncorrected, for 20 years until that day!
(Tue 20th Jan 2004, 22:27, More)

» Irrational Fears

Yorkshire TV Logo


Who was scared of this one?

I used to think that some massive great yellow thing would come and stab me in the chest!

Remember the opening to 3-2-1, where the flying 'V' plunged into Dusty Bin? That produced the worst nightmares of all!

I have a feeling this might be the "Ice Cream Van" of this topic. (Edit: Or maybe not!)
(Tue 27th Jan 2004, 13:39, More)

» Have you ever been rude to a celebrity?

Mark Curry off Blue Peter
Seeing as that ex Blue Peter presenter died yesterday they were showing clips of her on the news last night - one was her with Mark Curry doing some meruenge dancing I think. Now - do a slow close up on Mark Curry (cue Swishy backwards time noises). Me and my mate sat on a train coming down from Glasgow to Lancaster on it's way to London - about 17 years ago.

Me and my mate were smoking and having a lairy laugh about "things that annoyed us" in a men-behaving-badly sort of way. Some time earlier I'd whispered to my mate that the bloke sat on the opposite side of the carriage looked like that ex Blue Peter presenter Mark Curry.

We were having a laugh really, minding our own business - thinking - if that really "IS" Mark Curry, he'll spot our comedic talent and get us a job on the telly. So we were pulling all the stops out - f**k the no-smoking sign - we'll have a smoke and a joke.....

"I can't understand it..."
"What?"
"Swahili"
"Me neither... You know what makes me sick?"
"What?"
"Drinking a pint of salty water"
"Eugh yeah.... You know what annoys me?"
"What?"
"That noise you get."
"What noise?"
"EeeeeeEEEEh!"
"Ah yes - "
"-and you know what annoys me?"

Shit - it was Mark Curry chipping in - result!

We looked over with fags in our mouths and expectant eager grins on our faces - we both said:
"What?"

"People smoking in no smoking compartments on trains"

Cue mumbled "Sorry"s and blushing and sitting in silence for the rest of the journey till we got off at Lancaster.

We waited till the guard blew the whistle then banged on the windows of the train - flicking Vs at Mark Curry!!!! Revenge!

Sorry for the long post etc ;)
(Thu 15th Apr 2004, 16:53, More)

» Irrational Fears

Splashbacks
You know, if you have a particularly shaped poo - you get a splashback.

Water jets right up your arse-hole and you feel simultaneously refreshed and violated.

Once again, not that irrational. "No smoke without fire" etc.
(Wed 28th Jan 2004, 15:15, More)