It's Kevin's birthday....
And he's been for a special birthday tea..

it's that he thinks he's the king now that makes really happy

edit: Wooohoooo!! My first ever FP. Thankyou mod. Thankyou Kevin!!
(Sat 17th Jul 2004, 14:26, More)

» Things you've done when you've had no money.

Lunchtimes at college..
I was always skint and never had anything to eat, so I had a few tricks up my sleeve to get food. The most honest was to offer to go to the shop for a few people and keep a bit of the change from each.
My favourite (and more successful) was to wait until someone was tucking into their food and then put them off. Ususally by telling a story that got more and more disgusting as it went along. To give you an idea, My favourite tale was one about going to visit my dear old granny in the chest ward of the hospital. I would go into graphic detail about how the old dears would all be gradually filling their spitboxes with their finest chest butter and rounding it off with the mad old codge who would go round and empty them. If you're sqeamish turn away now. He would empty them by filling a bucket, getting to the bin which was full and end up drinking it.
It never failed. Even as people got wise to my tricks, I got more inventive and vile. It got to the point where sometimes someone would take a bite of their pie, I'd say 'I went to the hospital to see my gran' and they'd just hand it over.
(Mon 11th Oct 2004, 11:03, More)

» Pure Ignorance

I walked into a chemist's
and saw an exasperated pharmacist leaning on the counter talking to an old woman. I don't know what they'd been talking about but I arrived just in time to hear this gem -
Old woman: I thought of trying that anorexia.
Chemist: No love, that's not a diet - it's a serious illness.
Old Woman: Oh, I thought they just did it.
Chemist: No love, it's really serious.
Old Woman: Well I thought it were a bit much much, you know.

I just stood behind the old woman smiling at the chemist. He looked like he was having a long day.
(Wed 12th Jan 2005, 18:02, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

My parents constantly wound me up
While out on our usual Sunday morning walk round the lodge, we spotted a goose with its head under its wing. 'Oh look a headless duck' says my Dad. After he satisfied all my questions (How does it eat, know where it's going etc.) I proudly informed everyone that I'd seen a rare headless duck.

My Mum told me the moon was made of green cheese, and forgot about it. Until parents evening, when my teacher showed them a large and elaborate project I'd done. It was so good it had to go on the wall. It was all about the moon. Being made of green cheese.

My (Iron Maiden) fan) uncle told me he couldn't have his hair cut because it bleeds.
I pointed to a badge thingy on his new telly asking what it was. He convinced me it was a self-destruct button and everything electrical had one. I then went round every electrical item I had, locating the 'self-destruct button' to make sure I didn't press it. It was years before I accidentally pressed one and nothing happened.

One last one. My Mum sent me on my first day at school having learnt the rhyme;
Little Jack Horner
Sat in his corner
Eating Christmas pie.
He stuck in his thumb,
An pulled out a plum,
And said 'What the bloody hell's that'.
Of course when teech asked if anybody knew a nursery rhyme my hand shot up. My rhyme was carefully and proudly recited to a group of 30 four-year-olds.
I usually got ignored by the teachers at primary school when I put my hand up.
(Thu 15th Jan 2004, 12:37, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

If you don't wash your bum...
it'll heal up.
That's what my wife was told by her dad.
(Fri 16th Jan 2004, 10:03, More)

» Clients Are Stupid

pub managers.....
I used to work for a nationwide pub chain, in the callcentre that provided support for (almost) everything - pcs, EPoS systems, blocked toilets broken windows etc etc.

One manager wondered why she couldn't work her new pc. We found out she was pressing the mouse up against the screen. Upside down. She also wondered why she'd had to have a new (and such a large) coaster to put her brew on.


A regular converstion went like this:
Me: can you reboot the computer for me?
Manager: I can't. It's frozen.
Me: Turn the power off, count to ten and turn it back on. (yes i did say count to ten).
Manager: it's coming back on now.
Me: Good, what does it say?
Manager: Exactly the same as it did before....

Oh good you can turn the monitor off and on then. Usually, I could go on to talk them in the direction of the power switch except for the time that went;
Me: can you see your floppy disk drive? (they were all the same model)
Manager: Umm....Yeessss..
Me: See the button to the left of it?
Manager: Yyyyesssss...
Me: the far left, about an inch from the edge?
Manager: ah yes, I know the one you mean.
Me: OK. Press it. Tell me what happens.
Manager: OK............My disk has come out.

Another popular one.
Manager:I've got a power cut.
Me (experienced): What about your neighbours, do they have power or is it just you?
Manager: I don't know.. can you not just send somebody to look at it, I've got a bar full.
Me: I can if it's just your supply but if the street's out then you need to speak to whoever bills you.
Manager: This is stupid, it was a lot better when we could phone out engineers ourselves, mutter mutter.....
Right, it's the street, everything else is out as well.
Me: There you go then, ring your electric supplier to see when it'll be back on.
Manager: and what exactly am I supposed to do now? Can you just get it sorted for me? I've got a bar full here.. etc..etc. I'm not supposed to trade if I can't provide basic facilities...

The biscuit came with the call..
Manager: I've got a fire in the kitchen!!
Me: (no rush). OK, is it sorted out? What do you need me to do so that you can trade?
Manager: The kitchen's on fire!!!!
Me: still?
Manager: Yes!!
Me: have you rung the fire brigade?
Manager: Am I suppposed to? I thought you had to do it.
Me: Oh yes of course, then would you like to email your arse over to me then I can wipe it for you?

Sorry for it being so long I had to get that off my chest
(Fri 2nd Jan 2004, 15:58, More)