» Kids

Happily for me,
and the world at large, I was sterilised last year so with any luck, no-one will ever have to suffer whatever I may have spawned.

It's safe to say I'm not a fan of kids, generally and I have lots of fun winding them up....

Kid 1 - gobshite son of a chav. I was calling him a girl. He was not impressed. Told him he was a girl cos he liked pink. He got proper angry at this, and I pointed out that he liked red. He agreed. I asked him if he liked the colour white. He said yes. 'There you go then,' says I, 'red and white make pink, you like pink!'
He promptly burst into tears.
I laughed my arse off.

Kid 2 was at the same chavs wedding and thought it would be a hoot to go around kicking all the guests in the shins. For some reason the parents and plenty of others thought this was cute. I thought said spawn was a nasty little shit.
He started kicking me hard in the shins, because he (and I quote) 'thought it was funny to hurt girls'
Unfortunately for said brat, I was wearing New Rocks - huge thick cowhide boots with big lumps of metal on them, including on the toes.
I lifted my skirt to my knees, looked down, smiled sweetly and said 'my turn'
Kid shat himself and ran back to his parents screaming.
I laughed my arse off.

Not that I was any better. I recall in infants school, the teacher had written a maths problem in my book. My answer?
'Why should I tell you, pig-face?'
I got a bollocking from the headmistress, then she sent me back to class with a packet of Fruit Gums. Most odd.
(Fri 18th Apr 2008, 13:59, More)

» Money-saving tips

Fashion victims
Instead of spending £80 on army 'style' boots, with a zip - a bloody zip! - down the side, why not go to an Army surplus store and buy a 'real' pair for £25...my last pair lasted 18 years...

Don't believe the adverts, any of them. It's all lies. Every single company out here wants your cash and don't care how they get it...
(Sun 13th Nov 2011, 9:54, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Not accidental at all
But very very funny if there are loads of lads about - usually results in a lager spitting contest....

I quite like my make up. I particularly like a quite pricey brand that does interesting colours with interesting names that's similar to Turban Dick, eh?

They have a particularly fine lip gloss (and eyeshadow and eyeliner but that's not nearly so funny) in a very red shade called 'Gash'

Oh yes.

Cue all my mates in the pub having a conversation about my gash. How lovely and red and shiny it is, how nice it smells, and how nice it is I can get my gash out in the pub and they can all try a bit, and how it makes their lips all glossy......
A whole table of women asking to look at and smell your gash is quite amusing.


Causes much hilarity when we've all had a few. It's technical name is ultraglide which of course is even funnier......
(Fri 13th Jun 2008, 10:14, More)

» Clients Are Stupid

Mc Deadly
Worked here years ago. The stupidity of the 'clientele' never ceased to frighten me. This is all around 1991-1995 by the way.

Veggies were my favourite.
V (in whiny teenage voice) - 'Oh, I can never eat here, you don't do veggie food like BK do'
V2 - 'No, we can't even eat chips, 'cos they're cooked in beef fat'
Me - 'No they're not, not anymore anyway'
V - 'Yes they are'
Me - 'No, really, they're not'
etc,etc
V - 'Oh, I suppose I'll just have to have an apple pie then'
Me - 'Err, are you sure about that?'
V - 'Oh yes, they're OK, I mean you can't really put meat in an apple pie, can you?'

Veggie continues beng a royal pain until she swallows the first bite of the pie. THis is where I take the customer information from the rack behind her and point out the bit that says al fries are cooked in 100% vegetable oil, and the bit in the apple pie ingredients where it says the pastry contains animal fat.

Har Har.

The people who complained about hairs in their burger when there was one bite left - was usually a moustache hair anyway.

And people who wanted a fresh Big Mac, so came up with 'I have to have one without gherkin, I'm allergic to it, and don't just take the gherkin out - it'll make me ill, so you have to make a fresh one.'

Five minutes later, flid would come back complaining there was no sauce in his Big Mac. Cue me smiling sweetly them saying, 'Of course sir, you did say you were allergic to gherkins and there are chopped gherkins in the sauce'

Which really pissed them off.

So glad I no longer have to deal with the general public.
(Fri 2nd Jan 2004, 12:12, More)

» Pet Peeves

More sanitary goodness
As I have been reminded by others...

ANY 'feminine hygiene' product. Particularly anything which insinuates we're all dirty and smelly and distinctly unappealing unless we scrub ourselves raw....I mean who came up with a product called 'vagisil'?

Scented tampons. See above. Also, just asking for thrush, isn't it? Nasty nasty nasty. All those years we were told they didn't smell so we wouldn't get paranoid, were they lying?

And what difference does putting a skirt on it make?

Ick.

The only good thing about a period is the happiness of knowing you're not pregnant.
(Fri 2nd May 2008, 12:06, More)